


If Secrets Were Like Seeds

by rage_quitter



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Guardian Uldren, Happy Ending, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Trans Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-04-11 10:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rage_quitter/pseuds/rage_quitter
Summary: Jolyon Till doesn't like secrets. Doesn't like change. A painfully familiar Guardian brings the latter, and he keeps the former.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> where is he, bungie?? where is bapy uldren??

Jolyon lay perfectly still on the stone, looking out over the Strand. He thought about heading to the Gardens later, to see if he could try to help the Guardians pry the Hive out. He settled his finger over the trigger. With a resounding boom, a Chieftain collapsed in a cloud of corrupt Ether. 

He felt a crawl down his spine. A Lightbearer approaching. He shifted, so they wouldn’t startle and shoot him out of instinct. “Guardian,” he greeted without turning. Another crack. This time, a Taken Wizard. “Looking for Petra? She’s in Rheasilvia today. Or is it something I can help you with? Could use a hand with the Taken, if you’re bored.”

“Actually,” said a voice that Jolyon knew intimately well. “I’m trying to find a way to get back to the City. I just--”

Jolyon whirled with a sidearm ready. 

Uldren stared at him with his eyes wide. 

Jolyon’s hand didn’t shake. Not this time. 

Uldren’s eyes flicked between the sidearm and Jolyon’s face. His hands came up beside his head. No recognition in his eyes. Like last time. 

“I, um,” Uldren said, uncertain. Uncertain? He’d never been not sure of anything. “Sorry?”

Jolyon narrowed his eyes. This was some kind of trick. Or a dream. He worked his finger against the trigger, but didn’t pull it. Something was wrong, and not the way it was last time. There wasn’t a hint of shadow on Uldren’s face. His eyes were clearer than Jolyon had seen them in years. 

“I… I can find someone else to help,” Uldren said, taking a step back. “Sorry to bother you.”

“What are you doing?” Jolyon asked. He winced internally at the tiny waver that cut through the hard tone of his voice.

“Um… looking for a way to the City? The Last City, on Earth.”

“How… how did you…” Jolyon didn’t know how to get his jaw to work right. The words finally blurted out. “How are you alive?”

Uldren winced. Slowly, clearly trying not to startle Jolyon, he lowered a hand and held it out, palm up.

Jolyon’s sidearm clattered to the ground.

The Ghost blinked at him before looking back at Uldren. It twitched its shell and floated up to hover beside Uldren’s head.

Jolyon’s fingers shook now. 

“I, um… sorry, you… must have known me,” Uldren said. “I don’t know who you are. My Ghost said that I won’t remember anything.”

Jolyon took a deep breath. “We’re… not supposed to… to say if we do,” he said. His tone was evidence enough. “If we knew a Guardian.”

“Oh.” Uldren shifted his weight. “I understand. But… is there a way you could help me? Please?”

Jolyon dug his fingers into the gravel. “I… yes, I might be able to. I have to… contact Petra, first, though. Just… here, sit here for a minute.”

Uldren sat down against the rock as Jolyon got to his feet. Jolyon was caught between being utterly unable to look at him, and wanting to stare at him forever. He moved a few feet away, out of earshot, before pinging Petra.

“Jolyon,” her friendly voice greeted. “Is everything alright?”

“Um,” he said. “I don’t know.”

“Do you need backup?” she asked, suddenly on alert.

“I don’t think so, but… I… Petra, there’s a… a Guardian. Um.”

“There’s a lot of them, you’ll have to be specific.”

“A new one, just resurrected.”

“Oh.” She sounded surprised. “How did that… well, I… suppose we have enough dead that… hm. You should send her to me and I’ll find another Guardian to help--”

“Him.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s… him, Petra.”

“What do you mean?”

Jolyon swallowed, stealing another glance at Uldren, who was murmuring to his Ghost. There was a peace on his face that he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen on it before. “I didn’t tell him anything. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t remember.”

“Jolyon.” There was a twinge of panic to her tone now. “Who is it?”

“The Prince.”

Silence.

“I didn’t say anything about what happened. He has no idea at all. He wants to go to the City, that’s where the Ghost told him he needs to go. But I’m… not great at acting. So… he… knows that I knew him.”

“He’s… Uldren is…”

“Yeah.” Jolyon could feel the tinge of Uldren’s Light. It was… strange, feeling it from him. “What do I do?”

“I… give me a minute, I have to… think.”

“He’s not the same--”

“I know. I… I know how it works.” Petra took a breath. “That’s… not really Uldren, now, is it?”

“If we’re honest, Uldren died a long time ago,” Jolyon muttered. “But… you’re right, yes. He doesn’t remember anything. He’s already different. I can tell. He… I don’t know.” He sighed. “Petra, what do I do?”

“I’m… I’m thinking. I… I’ll come there. Don’t let anyone else see him--”

“We can’t do what we did last time!”

“No, no! I’m not going to put him in prison or anything! Nothing like that! Anyone else will probably try to kill him on sight. Especially Guardians. I’ll come myself and talk to him.” She sighed. “I don’t think our usual rule can apply here, can it? The Guardians have a similar one.”

“It’ll be a matter of time,” Jolyon agreed dryly. 

“I might call in a friend to help once I’ve spoken to him,” Petra said. “They can explain better to the Vanguard and figure out what to do.”

“Okay. You have my coordinates?”

“Yes, I know where you are. I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t… tell him anything.”

“Understood.” 

He heard the connection cut and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. This wasn’t real, it wasn’t happening, he told himself. 

Jolyon opened his eyes again, but Uldren was still sitting there. One leg stretched out, the other bent, arm on his knee. He was watching Jolyon, waiting patiently. The Ghost floated beside him.

Jolyon went back to his gun and sat down. He holstered the sidearm and looked at him. “I called Petra. She’ll be here soon.”

“You mentioned her a few times. Who is she?”

“The Queen’s Wrath. She’s essentially the one in charge while our Queen is away.”

“Oh. Where’s the Queen?”

The last time he’d asked where she was, he was deranged. This was nothing but curiosity. Jolyon worked his fingers into the gravel again, the pinching of his skin under his gloves grounding him. “She’s away,” he answered. “Fighting, somewhere. We don’t know for sure.”

“Fighting… the Taken?”

“Maybe. Maybe the Hive. Something worse. Again, we’re not sure.”

He looked a little confused. “Okay.” He paused. “I never asked your name, did I? Sorry about that, that’s rude.”

“Jolyon,” he said. “Jolyon Till.”

“Jolyon?” Uldren repeated. At Jolyon’s tense nod, he smiled, and Jolyon felt like he might be sick. “It’s nice to meet you. Um… again, I presume.”

“You haven’t met me.”

“No, but… you’re looking at me strange.” He shifted, looking uncomfortable. “So I think you knew me, or who I used to be. You don’t have to tell me if it’s not allowed.”

Jolyon sighed and looked away. “I can’t say anything.”

Uldren nodded.

“Do you… have a name?”

Uldren blinked. “Oh. I don’t. I didn’t even think about that.”

Jolyon scoffed. “How long have you been awake?”

“About a day. I got lost, and had to fight the Taken a bit.”

“Not a fun time for anyone. How did you make it? Do you have a weapon?”

“Only Light.” Uldren held up his hand and flames flickered over his fingers. 

Jolyon sat up straighter. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing--Uldren using the Light. “Whoa.”

Uldren grinned and let his hand fall back to his side. “I’ll be careful, don’t worry.”

Jolyon chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second before bursting out the question. “What’s it like?”

“What is what like?”

“The Light. Using it. Being a Guardian. I’ve never gotten the chance to ask another one. I’ve had to stay so professional with them all, but… it’s killing me, I gotta know.”

Uldren laughed and sat up a little straighter. “I don’t really know, honestly. It’s… hm…” He angled his head, looking thoughtful. “I like the idea of helping people, though, for sure. That’s what my Ghost told me I’m supposed to do. Help defend people from the Darkness. But the Light… it’s… hard to describe? It’s there, I can feel it. Is that strange? Like there’s… something bigger than me in me, I think.”

Jolyon, in a moment of delirium, nearly made a joke he shouldn’t have made. He caught himself before the words could leave his mouth. 

Like habit. Too easy to slip back into that comfort. 

This wasn’t Uldren. 

“Why do you have to be professional with Guardians?” Uldren asked.

Jolyon shrugged. “It’s the way things are between the Awoken and the Guardians. We might need their help, but we’re still a separate entity under the rule of our Queen, not the Traveler.”

“Why can’t you ask them questions like that, though? I’ve only been alive a day. Surely older ones know it better?”

“Maybe.” Jolyon picked at a loose thread on his cloak. “Maybe it’s… never mind.”

Uldren fidgeted. “Because… you knew me.”

“I can’t--”

“Can’t say, yes, I know.”

He bit back an instinctive joked insult. 

“Did you hate me?”

Jolyon snapped his head up, brow knit. “What?”

“I know you’re not supposed to say anything, but…” Uldren huffed. “I don’t know, there’s something about how you look at me.”

Jolyon was quiet for several seconds. Finally, he looked up at him. “No. I didn’t hate you.”

“You really can’t say anything at all?”

Jolyon gestured in frustration. “No, I can’t. I don’t even know what I would say if I could. There’s a lot I want to say. It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

Uldren stared at him. It was unbearable. The confusion on his face, the… sympathy. “I really am sorry,” he said softly. That was even worse. “I’ll be at the City soon, I think, and… you can… move on, I guess?”

He thought he had moved on a long time ago. He knew now he hadn’t. “I guess,” he muttered. “I… sorry. I’m not… trying to be mean, or anything. It’s just… weird.”

“I’d assume it is,” Uldren said, almost dryly. “I don’t think bad of you for it, if that helps.”

Jolyon chuckled weakly. “I’m not sure if it does, but thanks.”

The hum of a Galliot saved him. Jolyon slung his rifle over his back and stood up to attention. The ship hovered in the air before Petra appeared in transmat.

She started immediately, a step back, her breath catching, when she saw Uldren. Her eye was wide. She looked to Jolyon.

“Did you think I was joking?” he said. 

“No,” she said. “I just… I didn’t…”

“Believe it?”

She shook her head slowly. He saw her throat bob. She was scared, clearly. Nothing like this had ever happened before. They weren’t ready for anything like this.

Uldren looked concerned and suspicious, but waited patiently. 

“So what are you going to do?” Jolyon asked. “Tell the Queen?”

“I… she must know already,” Petra said. “She knows everything. But she’s… not here, so it wouldn’t matter, would it?”

“You’re in charge,” Jolyon said with a shrug. “It’s your decision.”

Petra bit her lip before sighing. “I’ll call the Guardian later. They can tell the Vanguard and figure out what to do on their end. But… he’s going to find out.”

“Obviously,” Jolyon said. “Question is, with words or bullets?”

“Jolyon,” she hissed.

Jolyon held up his hands. “Apologies. You know it’s true, though. Guess he’s lucky it was me. I might be the only person who wouldn’t have…” Jolyon trailed off.

Petra shook her head.

“You know, I can hear you,” Uldren said. 

Petra flinched. Jolyon looked to her with pity. The last time she’d heard him talk, it was right before…

He didn’t want to think about that.

“Petra,” Jolyon said softly. “You can tell him, or I can.”

“I’d rather we didn’t have to,” she muttered.

“Well, we do.” He crossed his arms. “Come on.”

She took a deep breath and strode toward Uldren. Her stride broke halfway.

Uldren looked more worried now. Overthinking, of course.

Petra knelt beside him as he sat up straighter. “You’re really a Guardian,” she said, soft. “I… can feel your Light.”

“I am, yes,” he said. He glanced toward his Ghost. Everything about him softened when he looked at it. Jolyon tightened his jaw. 

“My name is Petra Venj,” she said. “Queen’s Wrath.”

“I would introduce myself, but I don’t have a name just yet,” he said. “I… would guess you know what it was, though.”

“Yes,” she said. “You don’t need to keep that name, of course. Guardians choose for themselves. Normally, Guardians aren’t supposed to look into their pasts. It’s forbidden by the leaders of the Guardians, the Vanguard. And with Awoken Guardians, we’re not supposed to let on that we knew you in your first lives. But… that isn’t going to work for you, and I’m sorry. I wish it could. You, of all people, deserve a clean slate.”

He looked wary. “I don’t like the way you say that. You both are acting like…” Uldren frowned. “Was I a criminal or something?”

“I…” Petra sighed. “In a way, I suppose, yes.”

“Petra,” Jolyon said. “Just tell him. Don’t beat around it. Like tearing off a bandage. If he’s much the same as he was, he can handle it just fine.”

“I don’t think anyone could handle it,” she replied. “Do you think you could?”

He shrugged. He didn’t know. 

Petra looked at Uldren more square now. There was a sorrow on her face. “I’d rather you hear this from me than anyone else. I… killed you.”

Jolyon flinched at that. He still didn’t know if it was true. If it was her, or that Guardian, or both. It didn’t matter who pulled the trigger, though. 

Uldren’s eyes widened. 

“You were Prince Uldren Sov. The brother of our Queen, Mara. Before I go on, please know… we all loved you deeply. You were our prince, but also our friend. My friend. It will be… hard for you to hear what happened, but… know that no one can blame you for this. In your former life, yes, but not you, Guardian, alright? I want to make that clear now. I wouldn’t be telling you this if it could be avoided, but I know it can’t, and I’m sorry. It’s an awful thing to burden you with. 

“Have you encountered the Taken yet?”

He nodded, slowly.

“The creature that created them was a god. He was a terrible beast, bent on destroying all of existence. He claimed the power to subjugate other beings and turn them to his will. These are the Taken. He came to this system a few years ago. The Awoken battled him. We… lost. Mara was thought dead. Uldren was thought dead. I assumed command, as Mara’s Wrath. Command of what little was left. But Uldren hadn’t died. In the battle, something happened. We don’t know what, and I don’t think we ever will. Something… Dark touched Uldren. Twisted him. With the loss of our Queen, he began to go mad.

“Uldren was lost for a long time. We don’t know where he was or what he was doing, but he became insane. There was another creature. An Ahamkara. A wish-dragon, that can turn desires into reality. It, too, was Taken. We had it trapped here, in the Dreaming City. It began to manipulate Uldren. We found him raving mad, eventually, with a creature that called itself Scorn. An undead, twisted monster of another race. It infected more of the other race, creating an army. We put Uldren and the Scorn in prison. But…

“Eventually, there was a breakout. The Scorn became rampant. Uldren used this chance to… to…” Petra faltered.

She couldn’t look at him.

Jolyon spoke. “One of the Guardians died in the Prison, by Uldren’s hand. Permanently. Cayde-6, the Hunter’s Vanguard. Uldren unleashed hell across the Reef. Thought to try and free the Queen of her prison. It was the dragon, though, making him think it was her asking for help. Babbling about Mara’s plans, and the true purpose of the Awoken, and that our fate was death and he would help us meet that fate…” Jolyon shook his head. He could still hear Uldren’s muttering voice. “Eventually, Uldren was hunted down and executed for his crimes.”

“No one wanted it,” Petra said, almost pleading. “I didn’t want to have to hurt him, but he left no other options. He was beyond saving--”

“Petra,” Jolyon said in warning. “No one wanted it. It’s done with. No changing what happened.”

Uldren just gaped at them. Even the Ghost seemed stunned.

“I’m sorry,” Petra murmured. “I wish that wasn’t what we had to tell you. That you could just be like every other Guardian.”

“But…” Jolyon hesitated. “You’re not… him. That’s how Guardians work, as far as I know. You die and forget everything. It’s just unfortunate that people are going to think of all that. But you didn’t do anything he did. You’re just a day old Guardian.”

“I’m going to contact a friend of mine. They’ll tell the rest of the Vanguard. They’ll help you,” Petra said. She paused. “Are you… alright? Oh, dear, Jolyon, maybe we ought to have brought him somewhere else.”

“Where?” Jolyon asked. “You want to prance him around until a Guardian panics and kills him again? I know he’ll get back up just fine, but I’d prefer not to see him dead. I told you that the first time.”

Petra winced. She looked to Uldren. “I really am sorry. It’s got to be a lot to take in when you’re just a day old. Just… please know that you’re not bad. Uldren wasn’t really bad, either, he was just…”

“He was kind of bad,” Jolyon said. “At the end. Insane or not. That’s why there wasn’t another choice, much as we all would have preferred.”

“He wasn’t bad,” she insisted. “He was my friend. And he was your--”

“Petra,” Jolyon snapped. “I know. You don’t need to remind me. You’re just going to make him even more overwhelmed than he already is.” He looked down at Uldren and sighed. “Are you alright? I know it’s a lot. We wouldn’t tell you this if it didn’t mean you’d get recognized immediately. Hell, I wish--” He stopped. “Poor word. I’d rather that we didn’t have to tell you and you could live in ignorant bliss of it all. Sky knows I would rather, too.”

“I…” Uldren shook his head. “I did that?”

He sounded… horrified. Guilty. Jolyon shook his head. “No, no, you didn’t. Uldren did.” Saying it hurt still. “Don’t… ugh, please, don’t start any guilt thing for it, stars above. We’ve all already dealt with this, it’s been a few months. Uldren was used as a pawn in a vicious intergalactic chess game between paracausal forces and he set the board on fire. So…” 

“It’s… still a little… hard to…” Uldren looked with worry to his Ghost.

Petra held out a hand. “But look, you see? You were still chosen. I don’t follow the Traveler, but I’ve seen its might in Guardians before. Guardians are good people. You can be a good person, a hero, even.”

Jolyon saw the way Uldren’s fingers twitched. He stepped forward and offered his hand. “Come on, you need to take a walk.”

“What?” Uldren looked confused.

“Helps you think,” Jolyon explained. “It’ll be fine, I know the Corsair patrols, and I haven’t seen any Guardians around here lately. Put up your hood and no one will notice.”

Uldren hesitated, fingers not quite touching Jolyon’s. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Jolyon twitched his fingers, encouraging him before he could change his mind.

Uldren’s hand was warm. Jolyon helped pull him to his feet. Instinct, habit, had him lift that familiar form nearly to brush his own, and fear had him taking a step back and letting go quickly. 

Petra stood as well. “I’ll call the Guardian while you’re doing that,” she said. “Jolyon, be careful.”

“I always am, my lady,” he replied smoothly.

“You are not,” she said with a scoff. “Especially not with… well.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’d ask what sort of trouble we could get into, but knowing the luck we’ve had in the past, we’ll get eaten by a giant Hive worm or something.”

“Ew.” Petra wrinkled her nose. “Don’t take too long, alright? Comms on.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “C’mon, Ul-- Guardian.”

Uldren was still fidgety as he followed Jolyon down the path. 

Jolyon drew one of his sidearms and passed it over as they walked. “We’ll go shoot some Taken while we’re up and about. Show me what the Light can do, yeah?”

Uldren took the gun and let it slide into the holster at his hip. He drew up his hood after a moment. “You almost called me Uldren, didn’t you?”

“Mhm. Sorry. Habit.” He sighed, fingers wrapping around the strap of his Supremacy. “Lot of those I forgot I had.”

“Who… are you? To me? Or, him?”

Jolyon stared straight ahead. “Uldren had a spy network. The Crows. Various individuals and special drones for intelligence gathering. He was the Master of Crows. I was the best of all the Crows.”

“Was?”

“Not much of a network anymore. Those of us who are left still do what we can, but without him, it was pointless. The Crow drones went haywire.”

Uldren hummed in understanding, but Jolyon could feel him watching him. He really, really hoped he wouldn’t ask if--

“Were you close?”

“Mm. We were. For a time.”

“For a time?”

“Something happened, and I think that might’ve started his madness. Changed him. He didn’t come talk to me much after it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t. It was a few years ago… ten, maybe? That long?” He shook his head. “Feels like it was yesterday, really.”

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I don’t really know what else to say.”

“It’s weird.”

“Weird that I’m apologizing?”

“Hearing him apologizing.”

“He didn’t do that?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met a man more confident in himself except me. He had one insecurity, and it was what killed him. Advice from a dead man: don’t let anyone tell you who you can and can’t be, can and can’t do. I wouldn’t say it around Petra.” He eyed Uldren. “I’m the only person in this solar system who knows how Uldren felt about Mara. I have great respect for our Queen, but the way she treated him… he died for her and she didn’t do anything about it. She’d never go through the hell he put himself through if their places were switched. Don’t let anyone do that to you.”

“I wouldn’t want to have all of that happen… again…”

“Yeah.” Jolyon sighed. “But… you’re someone else. So… this is a good thing, I think. Anyone who can help in the fight against the Dark. Mind your hands, you’ll bruise yourself.”

Uldren snapped his hand from where he’d been digging his fingers into his thigh. “You weren’t even looking at me.”

“You’ve got the same habits. Sorry if it unsettles you.”

“You knew him really well.”

“Better than anyone else. We didn’t have any secrets… until we did.”

“I…” He hesitated. “It’s probably a bad idea to ask.”

“Oh, probably. You’re going to ask anyway.”

“Well, now I won’t.”

“Yes, you will, because you have to know. Stop fidgeting. What are you going to ask?”

“What sort of ‘close’ was ‘close?’” 

“Can you guess?”

“Oh.”

Jolyon scoffed and slowed. “Taken, hold on.” He crouched and slung his rifle from over his back. He braced against a rock and pressed his cheek to the side, finding the head of a Knight. Breathe in. 

The rifle boomed and the Knight vanished. Two more and two Vandals followed. Poor things. He checked that it was clear before hitting the mag release.

The clatter of it on the ground startled him.

He reloaded in silence.

“Clear,” he said when his Supremacy was prepped, and stood to keep moving.

Uldren held something out to him. 

Spent cartridge. 

He hadn’t heard them hit the ground. 

Jolyon holds out his hand, and three cartridges are dropped into his palm. 

“Get the mag next time, too,” Jolyon said, turning and continuing to walk.

Uldren caught up easily. “Next time?”

“There’s a lot of Taken. We’re bound to get into a gunfight at some point.”

“You’ve got good aim.”

“I know.”

“And a lot of… self assurance.”

“Yep. Have to. I don’t miss. I told you. I was the best of the Crows, and for a damn good reason. I’m the top of the list when the Awoken need a strike team that requires any long range. I can contest the best Guardians.”

“What… was he good at?”

“Knives,” Jolyon said dryly. “We’re all trained with that. With… well, everything, really. He liked hand cannons, too. I don’t have one on me, but I’m sure we can fit you with proper weapons from the armory, unless you’d prefer whatever the Guardians can give you.” He shrugged. “He was Master of Crows for a reason. Ridiculously cocky bastard, but damn if he wasn’t one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. No one else I’d rather have by my side in the field. He had the most dangerous ideas but knew how to make them work. He never hesitated.”

“What stays?”

“Pardon?”

“If you know. About Guardians. How much of a person stays when they get resurrected.”

“Couldn’t tell you.” Jolyon shrugged. “From what I know? You’re a rare case. Most Guardians died in the Collapse or the years after before they were resurrected. There are very few who could get the chance to learn who they were, fewer who get to find out. What’s nature versus nurture?”

“Am I that alike?”

Jolyon shrugged again. “Hard to say. You’re a day old and I’ve known you all of fifteen minutes. You are… pretty similar, I guess. The way that you move. The tone of your voice. Physically, I guess. Is that weird to say? I’m not like, trying to be creepy or anything. Just… habit, with him.”

“I… don’t know,” Uldren said. “Kind of hard to wrap my head around all of this.”

“If it helps,” Jolyon said, a little quieter, “you’re much more like how he used to be. Before that thing that I don’t want to talk about happened. That’s a compliment.”

Unspoken, but there enough that Uldren could tell what Jolyon meant, and Jolyon knew. The angle of his eyes, the subtle shift of his shoulders. 

“Jolyon,” Uldren said, a bit hesitant. Thinking carefully. “I’m not… making things… I don’t know, weird? Uncomfortable, whatever?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jolyon said. “I’ll deal. I always do. I guess this is a happier ending, that you get the chance to be a hero, or whatever. Free of all the trappings of the Queen and her rules and all that. I wouldn’t call it redemption or anything, though. He paid for it already. You get the chances he never got.”

Maybe it would be best not to mention Uldren’s hatred of Guardians. At least until later. 

“Still…” Uldren sighed. “I don’t know if I should feel guilty that I’m sort of… accidentally hurting people? Dragging up memories, and all that--”

“You didn’t do anything,” Jolyon interrupted. “You’re not the Prince. Maybe it’s the same soul, I’ve got no idea how it works, but he died. For the similarities, you’re still not the same. I can feel your Light. You’ve got a… a look in your eyes that’s a little different. Closest I can think is that you look more… peaceful. I dunno. You need to worry about Guardian things, and we’ll deal with our trauma and whatever.”

“Right,” Uldren said, almost muttered. It was still bothering him; Jolyon could tell. 

Something growled, and Jolyon froze. Uldren stopped, his eyes going wide. 

Jolyon drew his sidearm and fired into the cave. A Taken Acolyte seethed into nothingness, but he could see more shadowy forms twitching. “Well, great,” he muttered, backing up. “Time to see that Light, Guardian.”

Uldren readied his own weapon. Must’ve been instinct. He didn’t miss. Three Thrall came screaming from the darkness and vanished with each pull of the trigger.

“More behind us,” Jolyon warned. He knew the sound of Taken appearing well now.

“We’re surrounded?” Uldren asked. No fear in his voice.

“Mhm,” Jolyon replied, spinning to face the Taken coming up behind them. “Nothing we can’t handle, I’m sure.”

He heard Uldren reload behind him. It was the most natural thing to stand back to back. He felt the shift of his shoulder against his back when Uldren fired. 

Taken screeched in unholy pain as their bullets tore them from this realm. 

Jolyon cursed and shoved back into Uldren. Uldren staggered forward as Jolyon ducked. The blade of the Taken Captain swung where Jolyon’s neck had been.

Uldren whirled around, one hand snapping forward. He hit the Captain in the center of its chest and flames burst from the contact. The Captain howled as Uldren’s Light burned it to nothingness.

“Whoa,” Jolyon said. 

Uldren angled his head toward him, grinning. 

Jolyon felt a lump in his throat. 

He ducked under Uldren to face the Taken storming from the cave. Don’t think about it, he snapped at himself, focusing down Psions before they could split. “Hope you can keep that up,” he said over his shoulder.

“I’m not actually sure what I can do yet,” Uldren replied. “That’s about all I’ve been able to do.”

“Well, it worked, so let’s hope that’s enough,” he said dryly.

“Ammo?”

Jolyon tugged his cloak aside with one hand, still firing with the other. “Can you reach? On my hip.”

He felt warm fingers fumble at his side and tightened his jaw. Uldren snagged a fresh clip from the pouch on Jolyon’s belt. “Thanks.”

Jolyon grunted in response, gunning down another Psion. “There’s so many,” he grumbled.

“What do they want?”

“You, probably.”

“What?”

Jolyon ducked down to reload. A solar bolt from a Vandal’s wire rifle flew over his head. “Your Light,” he said. “They can feel your Light and they want to snuff it out.”

“Am I putting you in danger?”

“No, just cover me, I’ve got to get the snipers.”

“How?”

“Figure it out!” he snapped, slinging his Supremacy into his arms and aiming.

Three rapid hits boomed in his ear. Two Vandals and a Hobgoblin--

Jolyon cursed as three bolts of energy came jetting toward him. Deflection grenade, where, where--

Uldren moved fast, nearly shoving Jolyon over.

“Uldren, no!” Jolyon yelped in instinct.

The bolts slammed into him at once. Uldren staggered back, cursing. Something cracked.

Shields?

“Ow,” Uldren grumbled, rubbing at his chest. 

Jolyon’s breath burst out in relief. “You’re okay!”

“I’m fine,” Uldren agreed. “Okay, so those things do that, that’s great.”

Something flickered around Uldren for a second. 

“You have shields?” Jolyon asked, confused. “What?”

“Light,” Uldren replied.

“I didn’t know that. I guess that explains a lot.”

Uldren fired at a few Taken before holding out his hand. Jolyon didn’t hesitate to grab it. 

He was… much stronger than he’d expected. He staggered a little as Uldren pulled him to his feet. 

“You okay?” Uldren asked.

“Yep,” Jolyon replied. “Ugh, I thought we’d end up killing some Taken, not getting into a whole stupid…” He trailed off into a grumble to shoot.

Uldren chuckled. He seemed so relaxed. Jolyon was almost unsettled. He didn’t have any fear of dying. It wasn’t like him… but then again, this wasn’t him at all. “They are persistent.”

“That’s a word for it.”

It was easy to fall back into balance with him, back to back, ducking and dodging and firing around each other. 

There was just that… that something. That touch of recklessness. Uldren had always been eager to take risks if the reward was great enough, but this was almost too casual. He heard the sounds of shots hitting Uldren’s shields. 

He also moved a little different. Still with the quick, cunning elegance of the Master of Crows, but it was almost too quick now, too fluid, like he took up more space than he really did. 

He fought like a fire, Jolyon thought. Flaring and flickering and drawing back and utterly relentless. Watching him fight was riveting.

He jolted back from his thoughts when his gun clicked empty. He went for his belt. “Crap.”

“What?” 

Jolyon shoved the sidearm into the holster and drew his dagger. “Out of ammo.”

“We should go.”

Jolyon lashed at the Thrall that ran close. Stabbing them was weird, like trying to stab into frozen gelatin. “Yeah, good idea, let’s go!”

Uldren urged him ahead, firing behind them as they retreated back the way they’d come. 

Jolyon felt an icy chill and cursed. Hive Wizards were bad enough--Taken ones were worse. “Okay, run, just run!” He reached for Uldren’s hand and laced their fingers before bolting forward.

Uldren kept pace with ease. The warmth of his Light kept the brain-numbing cold of the Taken Wizard’s magic at bay. Jolyon had always been put off by the Light. But this… he could feel the merit of it, now. 

Maybe he was just an idiot, though.

“Up!” he barked, yanking Uldren up the rocky path. Their boots skidded on the gravel. The Taken roared behind them. 

Uldren moved faster, pulling him now. The gravel blew upwards, scattering against Jolyon’s light armor, as incoming fire blasted around them. 

Jolyon cursed and scrambled after Uldren. He keyed his comm. “Petra!”

“Jolyon?”

“The Taken are not happy!” He ducked and felt Uldren’s hand tighten on his.

“I knew you’d get into trouble,” she said, too worried to sound annoyed. “The Guardian is on the way, but it will be a few minutes for them to get here.”

“Okay, that doesn’t help!”

“Get here and we’ll transmat to the Galliot and get you both somewhere safer!”

“Understood, standby!” Jolyon panted for breath.

Uldren suddenly stopped and shoved Jolyon forward. “Go! I’ll catch up!”

“What? Are you nuts?”

Flames danced around Uldren’s fingers. “I’ve got it, they’re after me, anyway. I’ll take out enough and catch up.”

“Uldren-- I-- Guardian--”

“Just move, Jol!” Uldren flung out his hand to torch a Minotaur. “I can come back, you can’t, it’s fine!”

Jolyon cursed again and backed up. 

He was right, but that didn’t mean Jolyon had to like it. “If you die here, I’m going to kill you.”

Uldren snorted. “Jol, go!”

Jolyon took off back toward Petra.

When he reached the top he felt the blast of heat. He whirled around

Uldren was surrounded in flames. He heard Uldren laugh, stunned, delighted. A golden blade swung in his hand. 

Jolyon felt his breath vanish. 

Fire rained from the sword as Uldren cut through the backpedaling army of Taken. 

Jolyon stood reeling. 

He’d seen Guardians using their Super before but this… but when it was Uldren, cast in that golden fire, hardly touching the ground…

Uldren slammed the blade into the ground with an explosion of fire before turning and bolting. He didn’t falter when he saw Jolyon. 

“I told you to run!” Uldren exclaimed, grabbing his hand again. 

“I did!”

“Twenty feet!” They ran side by side as the Taken regrouped at the base of the hill. 

“I got distracted!”

Uldren laughed. His eyes were bright. There were embers dancing at the edges of his cloak and dappled in the shimmers of his skin. 

It wasn’t a far run to get to Petra. She straightened to alertness, and then alarm at the Taken pursuing them. “What did you do?” she asked.

“Tell you on the ship!” Jolyon exclaimed. “Come on, quick!”

Petra keyed her comm. “All three of us, quickly!”

Jolyon let go of Uldren’s hand as he felt transmat pull at him.

When he blinked again, he was aboard the Galliot. Petra was moving for the cockpit. 

Uldren looked around with amazement. “Wh--”

“Shh,” Jolyon warned. He dropped his voice. “I don’t know if the pilot knows.”

Uldren winced.

Jolyon sat and strapped the buckles. “Petra will handle it, don’t worry. It’s gonna be okay.”

Uldren took a seat beside him. He looked like he wanted to say something, but bit his lip before all but pouting. Jolyon snickered at the expression. 

Petra came back after a moment. “We’re going back to the barracks for now. I’ve got a private office for… not situations like this, but privacy and such. Just keep your head down and hood up.” She sat down across from them and smiled at Uldren. “It’ll be okay, Guardian, I promise.”

Uldren smiled in return. Nervous, now, but still hopeful.

Jolyon tightened his fingers on the straps of his seat. 

It had been a very long time since he’d seen any hope in those eyes.

The flight was quiet. It was only a few minutes to get to base. The Galliot slowed to hover and they readied for transmat.

The second they landed, Jolyon saw Uldren hunch his shoulders, duck his head. Hiding as best he could. Jolyon stepped closer to him, looking for any Corsairs nearby. 

“Your Ghost,” Jolyon murmured. “Ask it to stay out. No one will hurt it, or you, if they see it.”

The Ghost appeared in a shimmer. Uldren visibly relaxed, just a little. 

Petra strode forward. “This way,” she instructed. 

Jolyon nudged Uldren and followed her. He kept behind the Guardian as they walked, face as neutral as possible. 

They passed a few Corsairs. Uldren went tense, looking down, away from them. They glanced over, but neither reacted. 

Lucky. 

Petra sighed in relief when they were in the office. She let the door lock closed and slumped at the desk. 

“So what’s the plan, my lady?” Jolyon asked, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

“We wait for the Guardian to show up. They’ll take him to the Vanguard and get him trained and all of that.”

“You told them that he knows, right?”

“Yes.”

Jolyon nodded and looked at Uldren. “You’re gonna get to go home, buddy.”

Uldren was fidgeting.

“What?” Jolyon asked. “Easy.”

“The other Guardians are going to be… unhappy.”

“Their problem,” Jolyon said flatly. “We can deal, so can they.”

“What happened? With the Taken?” Petra asked.

“They just started swarming,” Jolyon said. “They sensed his Light and went berserk. They do that a lot with Guardians, I’ve seen it before.” He looked at Uldren a little thoughtfully. “Did you Super?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“The flamey sword thing. You’ve done that before?”

“No. Do you know what that was?”

“Dawnblade,” Petra said, sounding surprised. She sat up. “You’re a Warlock?”

“I don’t know what that means, either.”

“There are three sort of… classes, of Guardians. Titans, strong and steadfast. Hunters, quick and agile. And Warlocks, intelligent and hungry for knowledge.”

“Hm,” Jolyon hummed. “That makes sense.”

“I would have thought he’d be a Hunter,” Petra said.

“Maybe,” Jolyon said. “But you didn’t know him like I did. If there was something he could learn? Anything? Nothing could stop him. It was… quite impressive, though, I'll say that. The Dawnblade, I mean.”

“I didn't know that was something I could do.”

“There's a lot of things you can do,” Jolyon said. “I'm sure the Guardians will teach you.”

Uldren sighed. “This is all so confusing.”

“Sorry,” Jolyon said. 

“It’ll be alright,” Petra said gently. “Whatever happens. You’re a Guardian, you can do anything. And… you have my blessing, as well.”

Uldren knit his brow. “Is that just because I was the Prince?”

Petra winced. Jolyon could tell she was backpedaling. “No, not… well, yes, a little. It’s complicated. Partly because of that, but also because that fact would upset people. As the Queen’s Wrath, it is my duty to protect the Awoken and all our domain. Especially in the absence of our Queen. The crimes, corruption, and mistakes of a dead man, no matter the severity, no matter who he was, are not your concern. Justice has already been dealt, and I will personally tell the Vanguard as much if any Guardian has a problem with that.” 

She sounded intense with her last words.

“And furthermore,” Petra went on, “you are more unique than any other Guardian, as well. Any other Awoken Guardian was resurrected elsewhere in the system. But you were reborn here. You… are the first Reefborn Awoken Guardian. I do wonder how your Ghost got here. We don’t really allow them, although… I think we ought to, in case some of our Corsairs may be chosen.”

Uldren’s Ghost spun around his head. Jolyon watched the little thing. He’d seen Ghosts before, plenty of times. It seemed so… cheerful, almost. Kind of cute, for a sapient drone.

“How did you get here?” Uldren asked it. 

“Another Guardian brought me,” the Ghost said, speaking for the first time. It had a gentle male voice, bright and calm. “She thought what Miss Petra Venj suggested--the Corsairs. I scanned many of them, but did not resonate with any. That does not mean they can’t be chosen by another Ghost, of course.”

“Ah, of course,” Petra said. “Do you have a name, little Ghost?”

Jolyon frowned. It hadn’t occurred to him that the Ghost was… alive, or something like that. Though he had known that some Ghosts were named--Cayde’s was Sundance, he knew. He did know Ghosts could think, and had personalities, but hadn’t really… thought about it. 

This tiny machine had brought Uldren back from the dead and given him superpowers. 

The Ghost spun its--his?--shell. “Other Guardians call me Pulled Pork.”

Jolyon shifted his hand over his mouth and bit hard on the inside of his cheek. He shouldn’t laugh. It was silly, but the little thing seemed so earnest. 

Petra blinked, and then chuckled. “Well, it’s nice to meet you. And your Guardian. You’ve looked for him for a very long time, haven’t you?”

“Yes, I have!” Pulled Pork chirped. 

Petra softened. “I think you’ve made a fine choice.”

Uldren slowly smiled. Jolyon felt his chest tighten. 

“I think so, too,” Pulled Pork said, looking at his Guardian with pride. 

The way Uldren brushed his hair behind his ear made Jolyon feel even worse. 

Petra paused and tapped her comm. “Yes. Ah, already? Alright, good. Yes. Perfect. We’ll be right out, then.” She stood. “The Vanguard wants to see you as soon as possible, so you’ll be heading for the Tower right away,” she said to Uldren. “My friend is about to enter transmat range to take you there.”

Uldren nodded, suddenly looking nervous.

“You’ll be alright,” Petra assured. “I was told that they are understanding of the situation. They’ll help you, not hurt you. You’re a Guardian, after all.”

“Right,” Uldren murmured. He took a deep breath. 

“You’re also always welcome to contact me, personally,” Petra said. “I’ll do what I can if you need me.”

“Thank you,” Uldren said, lowering his head. 

Petra headed for the door. “Come on, then. Best not keep them waiting.”

Jolyon followed them.

Outside, there were a few Corsairs looking with varying degrees of nervousness and curiosity at the Guardian’s jumpship hovering in transmat range. Petra paid them no mind, leading Uldren to the transmat zone. 

Uldren hesitated.

“You’ll be okay, Guardian,” Petra assured with a laugh.

Uldren nodded, but his eyes were on Jolyon. 

Jolyon shifted his weight. “You, um… you can keep the sidearm. I don’t know how well it’ll serve you, but… I mean, it’s a gun.”

Uldren nearly laughed. 

“And, I guess, thanks for the whole… Dawnblade thing, saving my sorry ass from the Taken.” Jolyon chuckled, a little weakly. “Good luck. Hope the Guardian thing… goes well.”

Uldren smiled, crushing Jolyon’s heart, before the Guardian on the ship transmatted him aboard.

Jolyon reached up and pressed the heel of his hand to his eyes, trying to will away the headache.

“Jolyon,” Petra said softly. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” he said dully, dropping his hand.

The jumpship hummed louder and flew off. He watched it vanish.

“Are you sure?”

“Petra,” he said, before sighing and shaking his head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, though. I can still shoot straight.”

“It does matter,” she insisted. “You’re my friend, you know.”

“I’m going to go finish my patrol,” he said.

“Jolyon--”

He spun on his heel and started back for the field. “Make sure you tell everyone,” he called over his shoulder. “Word spreads fast, especially with all those Guardians running around.”

He was halfway back to his post when he stopped and smacked his forehead.

He was still out of ammo.


	2. Chapter 2

The Taken came, went. The Hive ran rampant, and then the Scorn, and back again. Jolyon was losing track of it all, trudging through his diseased home day after day, emptying clip after clip into enemies that just never ended. 

He hardly slept. He spent hours trying to get comfortable, staring at the ceiling, the wall, pacing the floor. When he did sleep, he was plagued with flowers and birds and songs in the air that tasted like salty rain and bit into his skin with wire-sharp teeth. He didn’t know when he woke--the visions still clung to his eyelids, leaves and vines crawling across his room with chiming laughter, golden eyes blinking from deep within the blooms of blood-red flowers. 

Still, he fought, every day. Fought to protect his home, his people.

One day, a Guardian approached him as he was fighting to free another mag from his pouch for his rifle. 

“Hey, Guardian,” he greeted, finally slapping the fresh magazine into place. He didn’t know this Guardian. “Need something?”

The Guardian hesitated a long moment until he looked up at her with an eyebrow raised. “You’re… Jolyon, right?”

“Aye,” he answered.

“I, uh…” She shuffled her boots.

“Did Petra ask you to come look for me?” he asked, frowning. “You can tell her I’m fine--”

“No, not Petra,” she said.

He blinked. “Uh… okay. So… what do you need?”

“I’ve been mentoring Uldren,” she burst out suddenly. She took a breath. “Me and a few others. And, um. He mentioned you, a few times, while we were training him, and I just got curious about you.”

Jolyon sat upright. “He… what?”

“He’s doing very well,” the Warlock said. “He’s fantastic, really. I didn’t expect him to be as… likeable as he is. So I also wondered if he was like that. None of us knew him well.”

Jolyon sighed and leaned back against the rock he’d been using for cover. “Yes, he was. A few years ago.”

“Is it…” She dropped her voice. “Is it true he went to the Black Gar--”

“Yes,” he said, cutting her off. “He went, and didn’t come back the same. If he doesn’t know he went there, that’s for the best. No one should ever, ever go there. That’s probably what made him really lose his mind.”

She winced. “Oh.”

Jolyon shook his head. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I’m not trying to be rude, Guardian. It’s a… rough topic, and we’re all very tired. Hard to sleep when there’s Hive clawing at the doors.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I should’ve been a little more… I don’t know, something. I mean, I… he was… yeah.”

Jolyon scoffed softly. “Yeah.” He brushed gravel from the palms of his gloves. “I am glad he’s doing alright. How, ah… how’s everyone handling that?”

“It varies,” she said. “The Hunters are… divided. Some of them don’t care, some of them want to feed him to the Hive, but… I’m surprised there are so many who have taken such a shining to him. Hunters can be so protective of new Guardians. And a lot of them are ones who were close to Cayde… I think Uldren’s going to be sick of ramen before too long.”

Jolyon chuckled at that. “Is he still going by that name?”

“Yes,” the Warlock said. “He was really on the fence about it. But he said that it’s a name that a lot of good people called him. And he wanted to diminish all the bad that was done by that name and make people remember it for good things, instead.”

Jolyon shook his head. “Dramatic. I suppose that’s fitting enough.” He hesitated. “What… did he say about me?”

“Not a lot,” she said, slowly, thinking. “That you’re the best sniper in the solar system.”

Jolyon laughed now.

“You gave him the sidearm he’s been using.”

“He’s still using it?” Jolyon was surprised. “Don’t you guys have loads of guns he could chose from?”

“Yes, we’ve offered him plenty, and he does use a few others, but he said he likes it, because you gave it to him.”

Jolyon slumped back against the rock. “Of course he did,” he muttered. 

She examined him for a moment. “Were you his friend?”

“We were very close, yes. I was one of his Crows. Every mission he went on, I was there,” Jolyon said. “No one knew him better, and no one knew me better.”

“Oh.” She lowered her head. “I’m sorry. This… must be really hard.”

He shrugged. “I’m dealing,” he lied. “I’m just glad he’s happy, really. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than myself. Taken, and all that.”

She nodded. “He’s got very bright Light. It’s amazing, really. But he’s still… nice.”

“He was,” Jolyon said. “He always was. Maybe not to Guardians, but he was one of the kindest people I ever knew.”

“He still is,” she offered.

Jolyon attempted a smile. “Good. That’s good. Keep him on that path. And don’t be afraid to tell him when he’s being an idiot, either, not that it’ll help much, he’s a stubborn bastard, too. It just means you can ‘I told you so’ him later.”

She laughed a little. “I’ll leave you alone now. But thank you for talking to me.”

He hummed with a nod. After a pause, he spoke. “Thanks for helping us out around here. I’m sure we’d all be overrun without you guys running around setting all the Taken on fire.”

She was turning to leave when he said one last thing. “And, Guardian… thanks. For telling me he’s okay.”

He could feel her smile when she glanced back.

Jolyon settled back with his rifle. 

There weren’t so many Taken that day.


	3. Chapter 3

Jolyon was perched high on a cliffside in Rheasilvia. It was Scorn this time that he was focusing down. The field radio beside him was quietly playing City music. One thing he could give the Earthborn: their music was fantastic. No wonder Guardians danced so much. He could see one now, in the distance, trying to get their fireteam to join in. 

Jolyon felt that hint of Light and turned down the radio. “It’s dangerous up here, Guardian,” he called. “There’s Corsairs down there who could use help on patrol. I’ve got a handle here.”

“Jolyon,” said that voice that had him frozen, “you’re a difficult man to find, you know!”

He sat up and balanced himself to look at the narrow path. “Uldren?”

Uldren grinned and waved.

“What the hell are you doing here, you!” he exclaimed.

“Helping!” Uldren laughed. “The best place to train is in the field, isn’t it? Why not kill some Taken while I’m mastering my Light?”

Jolyon shook his head. “And here, specifically? Petra didn’t tell you where I was, did she?”

“No,” Uldren said. “One of the Techeuns.”

“Ah. Traitor.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“You’re an important Guardian! What do you want to sit around next to some sniper for? I’ve been here for hours and I think a Guardian passing through on a Sparrow has killed more Scorn.”

“I can take a break.”

“To spend with me?” Jolyon scoffed.

“Why not?”

Jolyon hummed noncommittally. 

Uldren sat beside him, legs dangling from the cliffside. “If you really don’t want me here,” he said, “just say it. I’ll go. I understand, and I won’t think worse of you for it.”

“It’s fine,” Jolyon said. He didn’t know if that was true or not, but he said it anyway. “Afraid I might not be great company, though.”

“I don’t mind,” Uldren replied. “How’s the fight been going? It’s been a few weeks.”

Jolyon shrugged. “About as well as usual. That is, a complete stalemate. Same as it’s been for months.”

“Do you think it’ll ever stop?”

“If we all die,” Jolyon muttered. 

Uldren winced.

Jolyon sighed and laid back down with his rifle. “I dunno. It’s hard to keep fighting sometimes. A lot of Corsairs have left. Too afraid, lost hope.”

“Why do you keep fighting?”

“Duty. Loyalty. Stupidity. Take your pick. Maybe I’ve just got nothing better to do than sit on tall rocks and shoot things for weeks on end.”

The Supremacy boomed and a Raider slumped off a rock, startling a Guardian passing by.

“Same reasons the Guardians still come,” Jolyon went on. “Doubt it’s just the loot, though that’s definitely a factor for some of them.”

“You… seem tired.”

“I am.”

“Can’t you rest?”

Jolyon almost laughed. “In the middle of a war zone? I think I’ve managed about two hours of sleep in the last week and it was just nightmares. We’re all like that now.”

Not the same way he was. But Uldren didn’t know. 

Didn’t need to know. 

“Would the world end if you just… took time to yourself? I dunno, go travel somewhere, a change of scenery? Read a book?”

“Probably not, but like I said. Nothing better to do. This is what I’m good at.” Another Scorn collapsed. 

Uldren was quiet for a little while. Jolyon waited patiently for him to figure out which question he wanted to ask. “What did we used to do? For fun?”

“We?”

“You and I. Him?”

“Explore,” Jolyon said. “Anywhere in the system we felt like going. Training and simulation games. Spun wild stories about our own adventures. Wasn’t too much time for fun, but I guess we made work fun anyway.” He licked his lips, indecisive, before sighing. “Guess it was the company that made sitting around shooting things from two thousand meters away a little less dull.”

“You don’t have other friends?” Even as Uldren was saying it, Jolyon could see him wince.

“Sure,” Jolyon said. “Most of them are dead, though, now. Or we just… moved apart. Not really much reason to stick together when there weren’t Crows anymore. Wasn’t any nobility to follow, just Petra’s desperate word. The ones who stayed are busy fighting, too.”

“You can’t keep that up forever, though…”

“No. But as long as possible.”

Uldren was thinking again.

“How’s your training?” Jolyon asked. 

“Hm?”

“Training. City life, all of that. Being a Guardian.”

“Oh! It’s not bad,” Uldren said. “People are… nicer to me than I would have expected. There are still a lot of Guardians who don’t like me, of course, but… well, I can’t do much about that. Not like they can do anything about it, either. The City’s nice. It’s big. Crowded. Kind of… half ruined.”

“Mm. The Red War.”

“They told me about it. It… was really bad.”

“Affected us all the way out here, too. Definitely not as bad as there, though.”

“It’s recovering, at least. They’re rebuilding.”

“Do you like it there?”

Uldren was quiet. Jolyon turned his head to look at him. 

“Uldren?”

“I don’t know,” Uldren admitted finally.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Don’t want to bog you down with my problems.”

“I’m probably the best person for you to talk to.”

Uldren fidgeted. “I like it, I think. It’s just… I don’t feel right. Like… I feel… a bit antsy when I’m there. Like I should be somewhere else.”

Jolyon hummed thoughtfully, watching him. “How do you feel here?”

“Comparatively?” Uldren frowned, like it hadn’t occurred to him. “Kind of… hm.”

“More belonging?” Jolyon rolled onto his side to look at him better. “You’re Awoken. The Reef is your home, Guardian or not. Especially for you. Queensbrother may not be your title anymore, but it’s in your bones.”

“I don’t know what to do about that.”

“I couldn’t tell you. Whatever you want to do about it.”

Uldren was quiet, thinking. 

Jolyon eyed him another moment before laying back on his stomach. “So why’d you come looking for me?”

Uldren clasped his hands, leaning forward to look out over Rheasilvia. “I… don’t know, really,” he admitted after a few moments. “You’re… interesting.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.” The heels of Uldren’s boots tapped the cliffside with the way he kicked his legs. “I mean… you’re the first person I ever saw. The first voice besides my Ghost’s that I ever heard. That’s… significant, to me. Not just this… history, that we sort of have. Though I’m also still curious about that. And… hm…”

Jolyon wasn’t looking through his scope. 

“I guess… something about how you just… know about me? Things I don’t know. The way we fought together, too.” He shook his head with a disbelieving laugh. “I mean, hardly a day old, and I summoned my first Dawnblade for you without any training. All I’d been able to do before that was make a few little embers. I didn’t know if I really could protect you when I told you to run. I just thought… at least if I could have distracted them…”

Jolyon stared at the shapes in the distant mist for a long moment. “It’s strange,” he said softly. “How alike you really are. How much is the same. It’s almost jarring. But there’s so much different, too. It’s like the weirdest form of whiplash. I’m not sure…” He hesitated.

“Not sure… what?”

“What I’m supposed to feel, or something, I guess,” he mumbled. “It’s just weird.”

Uldren hummed. “Is there a way you’re ever ‘supposed’ to feel, though, really?”

Jolyon shook his head. 

“Is that something he’d say?”

Jolyon chuckled. “More sarcastically, maybe.”

“Was he sarcastic?”

“Mm. A bit.” Jolyon felt a smile tug at his lips. “Not as much as I, though. I’d always have some quip when he rattled off some stupid idea he had that I was sure would get us both killed in some awful way.”

“Yet you stuck with him?”

“Aye.” Jolyon’s smile faded. “Till I didn’t.”

He felt Uldren looking at him. “You said that last time. What… happened? If you can say. It seems to be… painful.”

He spoke slowly, at first. “Uldren convinced me to go with him somewhere very dangerous. I think it seeded something in him. Something… strange. He became obsessed. Distracted. It was… quite literally the worst experience of my entire life, and I’ve watched my entire homeland fall into ruin and chaos.” He chewed his lip and slowly sat up.

“The worst part is… I mean, I never wanted to talk about it,” Jolyon went on softly. “I wi-- I would rather we not have gone at all. I wanted to forget it. Still do. But he just kept at it, thinking about it, doing things on his own. Like we drifted apart, but… like it was more important to him than I was. Than… us. Like he forgot about me. Everything we did. And it hurt, it really did, seeing him pass me in the hall without so much as a glance. By the time we hunted him down to bring him to the Prison… he didn’t recognize me at all.” 

Jolyon wrapped his arms around his knee. The words came faster now. “He just looked at me, narrowed his eyes, thinking. I think… he was trying to remember me. That he knew me. But he just… rubbed his eyes, gods, his eyes killed me. He kept itching them. I saw shadows and it scared me. He didn’t remember me. Everything he did, he didn’t think about me once, and then he died.” 

He dug his fingers into his knee. It hurt. Good. Kept him grounded. “How do you move on from that? When someone you cared about so much went mad, burned down your homeland, forgot that you ever mattered, and then got himself killed? I don’t even know how I’ve been handling this! All I’ve done since then is wander around the Dreaming City and kill things!”

Warm fingers brushed his shoulder. 

His eyes ached and when he reached up, his glove came away damp. 

“I’m not making it any easier, am I?”

“No. Not at all.” Jolyon shook his head. “But here I am, talking about this, and I haven’t said any of this to anyone else. Is it you or is it him? That I can just… say anything? Damn it, this really sucks.”

“It does,” Uldren agreed gently. “But you… you have every right to be upset, don’t you? He hurt you.”

“He didn’t--” Jolyon stopped and hung his head. “He did. He really did.”

“So why do you still defend him?”

“It wasn’t entirely his fault. What happened was… something no one could recover from. As far as I know, only a few Guardians were the only other people to have ever gone there. I’m glad you don’t remember it.”

“That’s not the whole reason, is it?”

“Stop that. You’re not supposed to be able to read me that well.”

“Think it’s habit?”

“Maybe.” Jolyon sighed. “I… still care. I never stopped caring about him. It wasn’t that we drifted apart, it’s that he left, and I couldn’t follow him, and he wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t just loyal because he was the Prince, that I was his Crow. Wasn’t even because of… what we had. He was my best friend, too, for… centuries. I couldn’t even go to his funeral. If I didn’t see him… then he wasn’t dead… and maybe there was that chance that he would come back just fine. How he was. How we were. Stupid, but…”

“It’s not.”

“It is,” Jolyon said. “You’re sitting right here, full of Light.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid of you to have hope.”

“What do I have hope for anymore? No Queen, no Prince, no homeland. The Awoken are scattered, what of us that remain--”

“Don’t think about it that way.” Uldren sounded… almost angry. Jolyon looked at him in surprise. “Because if you do feel that way, why did you sit here and tell me all of this? If you really felt hopeless, you would be at the bottom of this cliff, wouldn’t you? But here you are. So knock it off. Find some reason to keep fighting besides habit and apathy. Duty isn’t a good enough reason, either, take it from a Guardian. Titans will preach at you all day about it, but it doesn’t mean a thing.”

Jolyon stared at him, shocked into silence. 

“I’m not here for any sense of duty. I don’t know the Queen. Doesn’t matter if I am, or was, her brother. I never met her. I’m here because I want to help keep the Awoken safe. This place is important. Maybe not for reasons I understand exactly, but I know it’s important to other people. I’m here to try and figure out who I am and who I want to be. Why the Traveler chose me, of all people. So stop with the hopeless crap, I don’t buy it for a second, Jol.”

Jolyon sat back and blinked at him. 

Uldren waited in the silence before slumping his shoulders. “I’m not trying to sound like an ass when I say all of that. I don’t like hearing you being… miserable. I don’t know if it’s because of… some kind of… some kind of, of, guilt, or whatever. Or just because I don’t like seeing people upset. Or something else, I don’t know--”

“You really cared way too much,” Jolyon said. Whispered. “Anyone tell you how he risked everything for everyone? The things he did for others? He walked through hell for his sister, but he did it for everyone before that. Tore himself up to prove it, over and over again, all throughout his life. He didn’t care if it hurt himself, as long as it was good for someone else. Funny, now. You could die a thousand times now. I still don’t want to even think about that.”

“Guess we’re both just huge messes right now.”

“Mm.” Jolyon sighed. He was doing that a lot. “So what the hell do we do about it?”

“Question of the year?”

“The century.”

Uldren scoffed in agreement. “I don’t know if there’s anything we can do but… live with it. Try to find some way to deal with it all. Cling to all the hope we can find.”

“Yeah.” Jolyon kicked his leg against the cliffside, scattering gravel to tumble down. “I still don’t know if it’s you or him that makes me feel… comfortable, you know, talking about all this crap.”

“Both?”

“Maybe. It’s weird.”

“Yeah. Sorry. But… I guess it’s good that you got all that out?”

Jolyon snorted. “Sure, I feel better.”

“Venting helps, right?”

He laughed this time. “I guess!”

Jolyon couldn’t look at Uldren’s grin very long. Bright, almost cheeky. The last time he’d seen him smile like that was when Uldren had convinced him to make the biggest mistake of their long list of stupid mistakes. He’d missed that smile, and it ached to see it.

Uldren noticed. Of course he did. Jolyon picked at the gravel as that grin faded. “Are you okay?”

Jolyon shrugged.

“You… still can’t really look at me.”

“Sorry.”

“You still care about him.”

“I never stopped. So it’s… hard. Trying to separate you from him. I keep wanting to say things only he’d understand.”

“Am I a different person?”

“I… think so. Isn’t that how it works?”

“I still don’t know.”

“Identity crisis. Always fun.” Jolyon ran his fingers over glittering fragments of broken crystal in the gravel.

“Maybe I’m both.”

“Both what?”

“The same person, but someone else, too. I don’t want to be a Prince or anything, absolutely not, and… I don’t know, all the awful stuff he did, I don’t want that stuff, either, but… the parts you’ve told me about. The things you liked. I think I want that.”

“The things I liked?” Jolyon repeated. 

“You knew him best. All the good things about him. I want that to still be part of me. When people see me, hear my name, I want them to think about those good things, and anything good I’ll get to do now, as a Guardian. I don’t know if I want to separate ‘him’ and ‘me’, exactly.”

“I guess you don’t have to.”

Uldren was quiet a few seconds. “I don’t know what that means to you, though.”

Jolyon shook his head. “It’s your life, Uldren, not mine. You make the choices. I’ll support you, though.”

“I’m not going to ask you to follow me into hell and back.”

Jolyon chuckled weakly. “Let’s hope you wouldn’t have to.”

Another pause. “Can we still… be friends?”

He flicked a crystal shard off the cliff and watched it vanish into the mist before responding. “Sure.”

It still hurt, seeing him smile, but he could look at him now. 


	4. Chapter 4

“So you climbed onto the Skiff--onto the Skiff, yes, I know! And I’m just screaming into the radio, because I can see you, this idiot little man on an alien spacecraft, jamming your dagger into it.”

“My dagger?” Uldren laughed.

“Your dagger! Into a Skiff! So then they get a Vandal to come out, suited up, looking grumpy as all hell. And you just start yelling at each other! Didn’t even fight!”

“What, arguing?”

“Yep,” Jolyon said. “I have no idea what about, I don’t understand Eliksni, but you were both pretty pissed.”

“I know Eliksni?”

“Oh, huh. I dunno. Do you? You did, as much as humans can speak it. And Ulurant, one of the Cabal’s languages. Couple others. I’m curious, now. I wonder how we test to see if you still know more languages?”

“Have someone say something to me in one of those languages?” Uldren suggested.

“If you find a friendly Fallen out there, be my guest,” Jolyon said dryly. “After the Wolves left, I think they all just… went feral or something.”

“Do you think they’d ever come back?”

Jolyon shrugged. “Maybe. I think that would be okay. I didn’t mind them. Wasn’t as friendly as you were with them, though. Softie.”

Uldren chuckled. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well, you know about their whole thing.”

“The Traveler chose them and left them and chose humanity instead, so they chased after it in desperation.”

Jolyon nodded. “You were always sympathetic. And you respected them. Thought they were strong because of their practice of docking, I remember that conversation. Having to prove their strength and all of that to regrow their limbs.”

“Huh. That says a lot about me.”

“Aye, but you don’t have to have the same perspective if things are different. I always thought it was a crap thing for the Fallen to do unless they did something really messed up. Huh. Maybe I’m the softie.”

“We can both be softies,” Uldren placated with a snicker. “We’re hardened warriors, we’re allowed to have some positive feelings, too.”

“Ah, I suppose.” Jolyon grinned at him. “They’ll have to try a little harder to break us down!”

“Don’t challenge them,” Uldren said dryly.

“Come on, Uldren, get yourself psyched up. You and me, right, against everything else? You told me that all the time. You don’t back down from a challenge.”

Uldren narrowed his eyes a little and Jolyon grinned wide in victory. Before Uldren could speak, though, he froze.

Jolyon went for his rifle.

Uldren lunged forward, nearly tackling Jolyon. A Raider’s crossbow bolt hissed past his ear, and he cursed.

“There’s more, move,” Uldren said. 

“Stupid Scorn,” Jolyon hissed, linking their fingers easily and bolting alongside him. He heard them screeching behind them, the whistling of corrupt Ether.

“Fight or run?”

“Uh--” Jolyon flicked his eyes about, searching. “Hide! Follow me!”

Jolyon hoofed it, Uldren at his heels. 

Cave, cave, where was it, where--

There it was!

Jolyon yanked Uldren into the narrow crevice in the wall. He pressed flat to the wall and sidled further into the cave. Uldren followed him until it opened up into a small enclosed cavern. 

“Shh,” Jolyon hissed, ducking down in the shadows and peering out. 

Uldren followed suit.

After a few seconds, several Scorn went running past, rasping at each other. 

Jolyon waited a full minute before sighing and leaning against the wall. “Crap,” he grumbled. “They’re gonna be out there a while.”

Uldren sat beside him.

Jolyon tapped his comm. “Petra? Come in, Petra. Hello? Damn it, signal’s blocked in here, can your Ghost find her?”

Pulled Pork appeared in a shimmer. Jolyon watched, fascinated, as his shell split apart to orbit the core, before he reformed. “Roughly, yes, one moment, please!” 

Petra’s voice crackled in after a few seconds. “This is Petra Venj, Queen’s Wrath, who’s on this channel?”

“Oh, hey,” Jolyon said. “Did you not have Uldren’s Ghost linked up yet?”

“I had to use a different channel. The signal isn’t great in this cave.”

Petra sighed. “You’re stuck in a cave?”

“Scorn are swarming outside,” Jolyon said dryly. “Can you send a couple Guardians to get rid of them? There’s more than we can handle out there.”

“I think there are Taken, too,” Uldren said, peering outside. “Yep. Looks awful out there.”

“You two are just ridiculous,” Petra grumbled. “Stay there, I’ll send who I can.”

Jolyon snickered as the connection cut. “Oops.”

“It wasn’t our fault!”

“No, but it’s kind of funny.”

Uldren snorted. “We’re stuck in this tiny little cave!”

“We’ve been stuck in worse places,” Jolyon assured.

“Like where?”

“Places with Hive. Not fun. Mars sucked, hate the Vex. Though there was--” Jolyon stopped. “Ah, hm. That was a very tiny cave. A crevice in the rock, really. Kind of awkward to, uh, remember that now.”

Uldren’s eyes were bright beacons in the shadow. “Yeah?” he said, amused.

Jolyon’s mouth felt dry. “Yeah, we nearly got caught. That would’ve been really embarrassing.” He laughed, but the sound was pitched a little. “I used to tease you about it all the time, it was your fault we almost got found.”

“I can’t say anything to defend myself.” Uldren snickered. “What did I do that almost got us caught?”

“Wouldn’t shut up.”

“Wouldn’t--oh.” Uldren’s eyes went wide and the cave felt… a little warmer. 

Jolyon hummed and shifted, trying hard not to think about what had happened, but definitely doing awful at not thinking about it. His palms felt a little sweaty. He side-eyed Uldren. “Don’t stare at me like that.”

Uldren blinked and looked at the wall instead. Though it was dark, there was still enough light coming in that Jolyon could tell his face was hued violet. 

Maybe they should’ve talked about this. 

“I, um,” Uldren started, before he sighed. “Yeah, can’t think of what I should say.”

“For once, you won’t talk my ear off?”

Uldren snorted. “Hey! You’re just as bad. For a sniper, you’re a real chatterbox!”

“I’m far enough from what I’m shooting that it doesn’t matter. Stealth’s not my thing, never missing a shot is.” This, the teasing, bickering, that was something he could do. 

“So you admit it.”

“Jolyon Till the Rachis, teller of tales!” Jolyon held in a laugh. “That’s what you called me, when you weren’t ‘correcting’ my tales.”

“Correcting?”

“Trying to make yourself cooler than you are.”

“I’m sure I was plenty cool.”

“Well, yeah,” Jolyon said, “but you didn’t let me tell the funny parts that made you look like a dork. Didn’t want to blemish your princely reputation.”

“Princely reputation,” Uldren repeated. “Ugh, please tell me I wasn’t that pretentious, was I?”

“Eh.” Jolyon shrugged. “Not really, I guess. Some people thought you were, especially Guardians, but you weren’t afraid of getting your hands dirty. I’ve seen you covered in mud and dust and other, more unsavory materials, in just about any situation, and been much the same way. So your dignity and presentation have never been something I really paid attention to. Hard to care when it’s be dirty or dead.”

“Fair,” Uldren said. “Good to know, at least. Wait, did you call me a dork?”

Jolyon snickered. “Aren’t you?”

“You’re awful!” Uldren was trying hard not to smile.

“I know you best, so if I say you’re a dork--”

“Oh, come off it!”

“You are!”

“Awful,” Uldren repeated, reaching out to nudge his shin with his boot.

“What are you gonna do about it, your Highness?” Jolyon goaded.

He should really learn not to say things like that to Uldren Sov. He knew he never backed down from a challenge. Now, he moved faster than people should move.

There was a crystal’s sharp point digging into his shoulder. He hardly noticed it, busy staring wide-eyed at the smirk way too close to his face. 

“I’m sure there’s lots of things I could do about it,” Uldren said, smug.

Jolyon could feel Uldren’s Light. It permeated the air, like he could taste it on the back of his throat, rich vetiver and sharp ginger, smoldering embers. The bright orange of his eyes was a fire of its own. 

He didn’t notice the way he licked his lips--habit, bad habit--until the fire of Uldren’s eyes flitted down, just a second. Just long enough.

He didn’t realize Uldren had pinned his arms to the wall beside him until he tried to move them--what was he even going to move them to do? 

Jolyon swallowed. He held Uldren’s eyes. “Lots of things?” he said, hushed. “Like what, exactly?”

“I did just get you to shut up, didn’t I? For a second.”

Jolyon narrowed his eyes a little. He tensed his arms to try to move them-- “I forgot how strong Guardians are.”

Uldren snorted. He was still gentle. Jolyon could feel how strong he was, but it was so controlled. He was so sure of himself. 

Jolyon tried not to drag his eyes over the way the Warlock was leaned over him, the way his coat hugged his lean frame, the way his knees were on either side of Jolyon’s thighs. 

Different. But…

Jolyon realized with a jolt down his spine that different was good. He didn’t know everything about Uldren, this Uldren, and suddenly, desperately craved to. 

“Jol?”

He looked back up to his face.

Gentle, questioning hesitation. 

Jolyon felt Uldren’s hands slowly retreat.

Jolyon was reaching forward. “Uldren,” he said, whispered, pleaded.

His fingers knit into thick silky hair. The other hand met his hip--he was radiating warmth. Jolyon could feel it through his gloves, through Uldren’s coat. 

Uldren braced a hand against the wall and the other landed on Jolyon’s shoulder, thumb brushing his neck. “Jol,” he murmured.

Jolyon pressed his fingers into the nape of his neck.

Uldren leaned down, slow, wary.

Jolyon considered himself a patient man, usually. This was an exception.

He met Uldren halfway.

Familiar, wonderfully so, perfectly so, for a second.

It was just… so warm.

Jolyon pulled at his hip, urging him closer. He could taste his Light, and it was addicting. 

His head spun with the confusion of old instinct and hesitant strangeness. He ignored it in favor of angling his head to kiss him deeper. 

Uldren’s weight shifted, and Jolyon couldn’t--didn’t--hold back a hum as Uldren let himself come down, sat on Jolyon’s thighs. Jolyon leaned in, breathed in Uldren’s Light. 

Why did it still hurt?

Uldren’s hand moved from the wall to his face, cupping his cheek.

Uldren drew back, and Jolyon gasped for a breath. 

“Jol, are you crying?”

Jolyon blinked. “What? No.” He took his hand from Uldren’s hair to rub his eyes. 

“Are you okay?”

Jolyon leaned close again, this time to press his face into Uldren’s collar. He curled his arms around him. He was quiet for several long seconds. “I really missed you,” he finally whispered. “I still miss you. It’s… it’s like you’re home, but not staying.”

Uldren turned his head to press his lips to Jolyon’s hair. “I don’t plan on leaving,” he murmured. 

“I don’t think I could handle that again.”

“You won’t have to. I’m stronger now, aren’t I? I won’t lose myself to anything the way he… I… did before.”

“I know. That’s why it’s also strange. I know you, but I don’t.”

“You can,” Uldren offered.

“I really, really want to.”

“You still sound sad.”

“Sorry. Ugh,” he grumbled, sitting up. “Did I just ruin your first kiss by being a stupid mopey bastard?”

Uldren rolled his eyes. “Make it up to me if you’re so worried about it.”

Jolyon almost laughed as he leaned in again. “Aren’t you greedy?” he murmured into his lips.

“Maybe,” Uldren replied. “Can’t be damned to care.” He pressed himself closer, flush together. “Stupid past me forgot about this? Really? Stars, he was dumb, I could do this all day--”

“Then stop talking, idiot!”

Uldren laughed into the kiss.

It was still Uldren, just not the same Uldren, and that was fine, Jolyon thought, letting his fingers splay over the small of his back. Confusing, yes, but this felt… right. 

Uldren’s fingers wove into his hair, slid through until they caught his hair tie. Jolyon let him tug at it until his hair spilled freely over his shoulders. Uldren pulled back, ran his fingers through Jolyon’s hair. “I haven’t seen you with your hair down,” he murmured. “You look good.”

Jolyon smiled a bit wryly. “I was thinking about cutting it, but I guess now I can’t.”

Uldren shook his head. “By all means, Jol, do what you want, it’s your hair!”

“I’m kidding,” Jolyon said. “The silver looks good in yours, though.”

“It wasn’t always there?”

“Nope. Not sure when or how it happened. Recent, though, sometime after Oryx.” He reached up to brush against the pale strands stark against black. “I like it, though. Ha, is it lame to make a ‘Light and dark’ reference with that?”

Uldren rolled his eyes. “Yes, very.”

“Oh, good, then I’ve got to make them.”

“And you said I’m a dork?”

“I never said I wasn’t, now, did I? Still cooler than you. Even if you can burst into flames.” He paused. “Actually, I’m cooler because I don’t!”

Uldren blinked at him. He sighed heavily and groaned as Jolyon started laughing. “You’re kidding. That was awful. Just awful. Stop laughing, that was a terrible joke and you know it!”

“Sorry! I couldn’t resist! Oh, the look on your face, that’s what I’m laughing about!”

“Alright, quiet time,” Uldren grumbled, pressing in again.

Jolyon still giggled into the kiss, at least until Uldren shifted closer. His snickers died out into an eager hum and he squeezed his waist. He kissed him harder.

Uldren started to press him back into the wall, but Jolyon jerked with a hiss. Uldren pulled back quick, looking alarmed. “Are you okay?”

Jolyon sat up a little straighter. “There’s a crystal in the wall,” he complained. “Jabbing me in the shoulder.”

Uldren winced in sympathy. “Ouch.”

Jolyon grimaced and tried to shimmy to the side without moving Uldren. “Stupid rocks,” he muttered.

Uldren snorted and lifted himself up to let Jolyon move. It was awkward, but when he plopped back down and draped his hands over Jolyon’s shoulders, they both started laughing. It felt good to laugh with him again. 

“Of all things,” Jolyon said, pressing his forehead to Uldren’s. “A dumb rock.”

“I was worried I hurt you!”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Uldren’s laugh faded and he drew back. “It is a worry, though. I don’t know if it can happen, but… the Light can be dangerous.”

“I’m not made of paper, Uldren. Besides.” Jolyon grasped his waist and smiled gently at him. “I trust you.”

Uldren stared at him with his eye wide.

“You okay?” Jolyon asked.

“Yeah,” Uldren said. “I… no one’s said that to me yet.”

“Said… what, that they trust you?” Jolyon straightened and ran one hand through Uldren’s hair. “Why wouldn’t… oh.”

Uldren sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I can’t even blame them, really.”

Jolyon shook his head. “Uldren, what happened, happened. It can’t be changed now. It was awful, it was bad, but it is not your fault. Maybe it was, once, and maybe it’s not my place to decide judgement, but you died. You, or him, or both, however you want to think about it. Justice was served, in the end, and everyone has to move on. For those who aren’t with us anymore, and for you.” He flatted his mouth, frustration bubbling. “It isn’t fair for people to be blaming you for what happened. You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t feel guilty, or like you need to make up for it, or whatever. These damn Guardians, I swear, they keep living in the past! And how old are we? We can grow! Why can’t they?”

Uldren reached up to cup his face before kissing him quiet. “I do appreciate you looking out for me.”

“I’m used to it,” he said. “I’ve been doing it for a very long, so I sure won’t stop now, just because you’re immortal.”

He smiled wryly. “You do keep telling me about all the stupid things I’ve done.”

“I said I looked out for you, I never said you listened to me.”

He laughed now. “I’ll have to try that.”

“Oh, you probably still won’t. I can’t even imagine what you’re going to get yourself into now that you can’t stay dead forever and have superpowers. You’re going to be such a nightmare to wrangle.”

Uldren’s grin shifted. Wry to… something else. Jolyon narrowed his eyes. He knew that grin. “Well,” Uldren started, “with you being the one wrangling me?”

“Insinuating something there, your Highness?” Jolyon asked.

“Can’t possibly imagine what you mean by that.”

“Mhm, sure. Not like I can tell what you’re thinking by every expression on that pretty face of yours, or anything.”

He grinned in victory at the telltale violet hue of Uldren’s face. 

“Don’t give me that look,” Jolyon said. “Don’t tell me you’ve gotten shy!”

“It’s not like I’ve got hoards of fans telling me I’m pretty or anything,” Uldren said. 

“You sure used to,” Jolyon said dryly.

“That’s weird to think about.”

“Mm.” He tipped Uldren’s face with his hand, ran his thumb over his jaw. “Always liked me saying it best, though.”

“Couldn’t imagine why.”

Jolyon snorted. “Right, thanks Captain Sarcasm, way to ruin my compliment. You’re a little rat, is that better?”

“Rats are cute.”

“Unbelievable. I’m never gonna compliment you again.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Jolyon tugged him close again. “Arrogant bastard,” he murmured into Uldren’s smile. 

“I think I’m really getting good at reading you,” Uldren replied. 

He hummed wordlessly in reply. 

Uldren pressed forward, kissing him deeper, fingers weaving into Jolyon’s hair. Jolyon shifted his leg, falling asleep under Uldren, but he felt his breath hitch when Uldren, in response, gave a tentative little roll of his hips.

Jolyon’s brain seemed to white out for a second before he was biting lightly at his lip, arching into his touch. All it took was that one little hopeful motion to have him melting under Uldren’s touch. 

“Ha, ah, Uldren,” Jolyon whispered. “I already know this is a bad idea.”

“Is it?” Uldren asked.

“Well,” Jolyon said dryly. “We’re still in a damn cave, for one thing, and I don’t want to get crystal bits where they should never belong. And two… ugh, we’ll have to talk about it again.”

“It?”

“Aye.” Jolyon felt a sudden stab of anxiety.

“It being… what, sex, or something else?”

“Yes.”

“I’m confused.”

“Yeah.” Jolyon sighed. Why the hell was he nervous about this? Uldren had been at his side when he came out the first time. “You don’t remember. I didn’t even think about it.”

“Is it… something I need to worry about?” Uldren asked, cupping his face gently.

Jolyon shook his head. “No, I’m being ridiculous. I know you well enough.” 

“Whatever it is,” Uldren said, “I’m here for you.”

Jolyon laughed. “That’s almost exactly what you said when I told you the first time! Uldren, I’m trans.”

Uldren angled his head and blinked. “Oh. Okay.”

“Oh, okay?”

“Um… congratulations?”

Jolyon laughed. “You’re a menace, Sov, absolute menace.”

Uldren snorted. “Well, what do you want me to say? It’s just you, Jol. It doesn’t change anything.”

“Yeah.” He hesitated. 

Uldren was quiet for a long few moments. “Am I trans, too?” he asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Okay. That’s so weird to think about.” Uldren chuckled. “I wasn’t sure.”

“Yeah, you were totally transitioned before we met. So you helped me out with it. I didn’t, uh, never really wanted everything changed, like you did.”

“Ohhh.” Uldren nodded. “Well, as long as you’re happy, of course. That’s what matters.”

“I am,” Jolyon said softly.

Uldren leaned down to touch their foreheads together for a moment. “You’ll have to tell me what is and isn’t okay. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Mm,” Jolyon hummed in agreement. “Just think about it like yourself, like any other guy. No big deal.”

“Probably wouldn’t be a good idea to get too familiar with what you like while we’re sitting stuck in a cave.”

Jolyon laughed. “Yeah, might be smart to keep our armor on!” Not that they hadn’t before, but that was a long time ago. 

Uldren ran his fingers through Jolyon’s hair. “Mhm… hey, how long did it take you to grow this out this long?”

Jolyon laughed. “A while,” he said. “I like it long, though. You always did, too. You liked to braid it. I cut it a few years ago, maybe as long as yours is now, but let it grow out again.”

“Mm.” Uldren seemed content to keep his fingers trailing through deep violet. “I like it, too.”

“You used to have really long hair, too, once. Thought it was a hassle, though.” He chuckled. “Yours doesn’t like to stay tied back.”

Uldren wrinkled his nose. “No?”

“Too soft,” Jolyon said with a grin, gently twisting a lock of Uldren’s hair around his finger. It fell back into place. “Always slipped out of ties, no matter how many of mine you stole.” He looked pointedly at his hair tie around Uldren’s wrist. 

Uldren snickered and pulled the tie off to offer it back.

Jolyon didn’t bother tying his hair back just yet, but slipped the tie over his own wrist for now. “You know, as much as I like this angle, I think my legs are falling asleep.”

“Oops.” Uldren shifted and moved to sit beside him now. 

Jolyon hissed in relief and rubbed his thigh to get the blood flowing again. “Sitting on rocks doesn’t help,” he said dryly.

“Sorry,” Uldren laughed.

He stretched and dusted bits of broken gravel and crystal from his pants. “Not the first time it’s happened. I’m sure you’ll complain about it, too.”

Uldren grinned eagerly, and Jolyon shoved at him. “I don’t have any complaints right now!” Uldren said, playfully shoving back. 

Jolyon grasped his hands. “As soon as I get the feeling back in my legs, you’re screwed. Hey, hey, don’t give me that grin, you stop that!”

Uldren used their clasped hands to tug Jolyon in and kiss him again, something much sweeter now. 

Why did it still tighten his chest so much?

Jolyon took his hands back to hold Uldren’s face. He let the kiss linger now, picking apart the feelings it gave him. 

Their noses brushed as Uldren withdrew just enough to press their foreheads together. “Jol, you’re thinking a lot.”

“I am.”

“Can I help?”

“I dunno. I think I’m okay. Just gotta sort it out in my head. I am happy, though, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” Uldren rubbed his hand along Jolyon’s arm gently, reassuring. “Take your time. I know it’s… a lot. Kind of a lot for me, too.”

Jolyon didn’t like confusion. He didn’t like unknowns and mysteries. There was a lot that was all of those things with this. But he still wanted this--wanted to be with Uldren, wanted to fight alongside him, even wanted the earthy, spicy bite of his Light around him. 

Would Uldren have hated the thought of this, once? Jolyon hadn’t been as irritated by Guardians as Uldren was, but none of the Awoken had been particularly fond of them until they helped hunt Skolas, avenged their lost army and (not actually) murdered Queen and Prince, helped now every single day in the Dreaming City. 

But he also had to think… what did it matter what Uldren would have thought, a decade ago? That Uldren died the moment they stepped into that awful place on Mars. 

A lot of things were different. Jolyon had Uldren, maybe not the same Uldren, but still Uldren, sitting right in front of him.

What if things were reversed, and Uldren hadn’t died? If Jolyon had, if he was the young, inexperienced Guardian? What if--

“Jol,” Uldren said, sitting up and turning to the cave’s narrow exit. “I think those other Guardians are here.”

There was an inhuman roar, a loud explosion that rained dust from the ceiling, and then a series of whoops and gunfire.

“Yep, definitely Guardians,” Jolyon said. 

Pulled Pork appeared in a shimmer. Jolyon hadn’t noticed when he’d vanished. He made a mental note to ask later about how Ghosts worked. His shell twitched. 

“...Eat that, you ugly bastards!” a voice came crackling over comms, right before another explosion went off. 

“Well, our backup seems fun,” Jolyon said dryly.

“Oh! Hey, hey, can you hear me?” the voice asked. 

“Yes, we can,” Jolyon replied. 

“Petra said y’all got holed up by some Scorn.”

“We did,” he said. “There were… a lot more than even we could deal with.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot less now. Hey, whoa, easy, Jazz, I think it’s dead!”

Another voice cackled over comms. “Who’s next? I got more hammers!”

“Titans,” another Guardian grumbled. “Are either of you hurt?”

“No, we’re fine.” He looked at Uldren. “Are we okay to come out now?”

“Guardian, yes, but Petra said one of you isn’t?”

“I’m not,” Jolyon said.

“Okay, you should be--ow, get off me--” There was a loud gunshot. “There’s still a bunch, but way less, so four of us can definitely clear ‘em out. Just be careful if you come out, too.”

Jolyon gestured for the cave entrance. “You first, your Highness,” he said.

Uldren rolled his eyes and stood up. He held out his hand to pull Jolyon to his feet before flattening himself against the wall to sidestep through the narrow exit. 

Jolyon tied back his hair and drew a sidearm before following after him.

Uldren pressed him back against the wall as soon as he stepped out. A Lurker flew past them and crashed into a rock, corrupt Ether spitting from its body. 

“Whoa, okay,” Jolyon exclaimed, looking up for the Guardians. 

Clearly a fireteam, in matching colors. The Titan was wreathed in flame, flinging hammers at a crowd of howling Taken. The Hunter was withdrawing a knife from a Stalker’s face, and the Warlock was hurrying toward them, firing one-handed with a hand cannon. 

“Hey, there you are, are you guys al-” The Warlock stopped dead in her tracks. 

Jolyon tensed and grasped Uldren’s coat with his free hand. Pulled Pork buzzed around Uldren’s head, evidently quite concerned.

“Oh,” the Warlock said. “Uh. Sorry. I forgot.” She cleared her throat and shot down a Taken Acolyte. 

Jolyon sighed. “Petra didn’t tell you who it was, did she?”

“Nope.”

Jolyon let his hand fall and fired at a few Taken. “Well. Thanks, regardless.”

The Titan’s hammers fizzled out and she raised a nasty looking auto rifle. 

“Yeah, no problem,” the Warlock said. “Always happy to help.”

Jolyon ducked down as shots from a Raider’s crossbow hit the wall. “Okay, can the helping continue, because if I die here, I’m gonna be real pissed.”

Uldren drew his own sidearm. “I won’t let anything hurt you,” he promised.

The Warlock’s flinch was barely noticeable. Jolyon tightened his jaw, trying hard not to glare. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t Uldren’s fault, but all the same it filled him with a bitter defensiveness. 

Uldren shot down the Raider. “We should get you out of here,” he said over his shoulder to Jolyon, searching for another threat.

“So much for patrol,” Jolyon grumbled.

Uldren snorted. “What, like you don’t need the rest? You were out here hours before I got here today.”

“It’s boring,” Jolyon said.

Uldren shook his head and fired at a few more Scorn. “Isn’t sitting at the top of cliffs sniping from a mile away pretty boring, too?”

“Nah, gives me time to think.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Jolyon snorted and shifted to a more stable crouch so he could fire, too. “Takes one to know one, isn’t that the phrase?”

The Warlock was shooting as well, but listening. She angled her head at them a moment. “How do you… know each other?” she asked, clearly hesitant.

Jolyon glanced at Uldren. Whatever he wanted to say, Jolyon would go with it. Uldren took a moment to reload. “He was the first person I met when I was resurrected,” Uldren said. “Turns out he was also a Crow.”

“Ohhhh,” the Warlock said. “So you… knew him… before.”

“Aye,” Jolyon said. “You know, you could at least not downplay me as just ‘a Crow’ when I was the best of them all.”

Uldren laughed. “Yes, yes, I am ever humbled by your godlike aim.”

“Maybe when I aim at your dumb face,” Jolyon mumbled, childishly, but it had Uldren nearly double over for a moment. 

The Warlock seemed… unsure how to react to seeing Uldren acting so lighthearted. 

Uldren missed a shot with his continuing laughter. “Jolyon, this is your fault.”

“I’m quite hilarious, yes, I know,” he said. “What’s that thing I hear Guardians say? ‘Get good, scrub?’ I can be a master of comedy and still aim.”

“I wouldn’t call it comedy, but if it makes you feel better.”

“I’m gonna throw you off the nearest ledge.”

The Hunter suddenly yelped and collapsed. A Taken Captain howled over their limp body.

Uldren froze, his eyes going wide. 

Jolyon winced. “Did… did they just…”

The Warlock hissed a curse and started shooting the Captain. “Guardian down,” she said tersely. “He’ll be fine, I’ll get him if his Ghost doesn’t.”

Jolyon fired at the Captain too. “I always hate seeing that,” he muttered. 

“What, a Guardian going down?” the Warlock asked.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve seen it before, loads of times, hell, I’ve put a few Guardians down before for trespassing or interfering in Awoken business, but I still don’t like it.”

“Huh,” the Warlock said. “Guess it must be pretty weird to non-Guardians…”

“It’s not really that bad, depending,” Uldren offered.

Jolyon looked at him in bewilderment. “You’ve died already?”

“Quite a bit, yes. We’re really careful when I’m with you!”

Jolyon shuddered, a cold trickle in his spine.

The Captain howled as it dissipated. The Warlock sprinted for the Ghost peeking out of the Hunter’s cloak.

Uldren reached down to nudge Jolyon. “You okay?” he asked softly.

“I don’t like thinking about you being dead,” he replied flatly. “Even if you won’t stay that way.”

“I’ll try to avoid it,” Uldren said, a weak attempt at humor. “But…” The humor sobered. “I’d rather it be me than you. I can come back.”

“You used to wonder about that,” Jolyon murmured. “What it was like to fight without being afraid of dying.”

Uldren paused. Processing that. 

The Hunter staggered upright. “I hate Taken!” he yelled.

“You and everyone else,” the Warlock said dryly. “Come on, we’ve got to get him out of here before any more--”

Uldren moved protectively in front of Jolyon as every head whirled for the source of a much louder roar. 

“Oh, that’s bad,” the Hunter said, staring in dismay at the massive Taken Ogre that twisted into reality.

“Jol, stay down, don’t let it see you,” Uldren hissed. 

Jolyon felt sick staring at the thing. It roared, blasts of energy shooting toward the scattering Guardians. The Hunter rolled forward and vanished--Light-based camouflage. 

The Titan whirled around and fired at the Ogre, taking its ire. “C’mere, you big ugly lug!” she yelled over the rattle of her gun. 

Jolyon was far, far too close to this thing. He grasped for a deflection grenade at his belt, just in case. His fingers ached with how tightly he gripped his sidearm.

“Should I go back in the cave?” Jolyon whispered. 

Uldren’s eyes darted to the cave entrance. “Maybe. That might be a good idea. Hopefully when it’s dead, you’ll be safe.”

Jolyon curled his lip in displeasure. He knew, of course, that it was just for his safety. He had one life, and really didn’t want to lose it getting mashed into paste against the wall by the psychic blasts of a Taken Ogre. Slowly, he crept along the wall back to the cave entrance. 

The Titan staggered back, still shouting in rage, before she crumpled to the ground. 

The Hunter cursed, reappearing behind the cover of a boulder. He looked toward Uldren and Jolyon. “You guys really know how to throw a party,” he said dryly over the comms.

“I’ll try to invite less rowdy guests next time,” Jolyon replied as he slid back into the cave.

“That’s a good idea,” the Hunter said. His voice crackled a little, so Jolyon stayed uncomfortably in the narrow entrance rather than moving further in. “We’ll take care of it.”

Jolyon sighed, frustrated. Uldren glanced toward him, worried. “Are you okay?” Uldren asked.

“Can’t really help and I’m annoyed about it,” Jolyon said.

“We’d all rather you stay safe--” the Warlock started.

“No, I know, and I’d really rather not die. I’m used to being a fair bit away from the danger, anyway.”

“Oh, you’re a sniper?” the Hunter asked, sounding interested. 

“Best among the Awoken,” Jolyon said. “Not even boasting about that, you can check the records. All public.”

“Oh! You’re Jolyon, then? Jolyon Till the Rachis?”

“My reputation precedes me, then.”

“It is an impressive one.”

“Is now really the time for you to be hitting on him?” the Warlock demanded.

Jolyon and Uldren both burst out with laughter. Uldren’s turned into a curse and Jolyon saw him bolt for cover as the Ogre turned toward him. 

“Why do you assume, every time,” the Hunter started.

“Because that’s how you are, every time,” she said.

“Either way,” Jolyon said, “I’m, ah, already seeing someone.”

“I’m gonna go pick up Jazz,” the Warlock said. “Keep that thing distracted.”

“I’m doing my best!” Uldren replied. Jolyon couldn’t see him from here, but watched a solar grenade fly at the furious monster. “I’ve never fought one of these before, you’ll have to excuse me!”

“What?” the Hunter asked. “Oh. Oh, that’s right, crap!”

“Did you forget?” the Warlock asked.

“Look, I remember my rez, it wasn’t that long ago, always scary seein’ one of these bastards for the first time--”

“Just shoot it!”

Jolyon rolled his eyes. Guardians. 

He shimmied as best he could to work his rifle free. He braced himself against the walls. It hurt, for sure, the twist of his body and the crystals prodding into him as he jammed the butt of the Supremacy against his shoulder. This was a terrible way to hold the weapon, unwieldy in its length standing, but he was Jolyon Till the Rachis, and he wouldn’t let something like a couple rocks get in the way. 

His teeth rattled with the boom of the gun in the tight space. 

The Ogre roared. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Uldren snapped. “Jolyon, stop that!”

“Sorry, I’m not sitting back being the helpless damsel in distress.” The spent cartridge clattered on the crystals and he readied the next round. “I’ve done more dangerous things than face a Taken Ogre with four Guardians backing me up.”

“I heard about some of that,” the Hunter said, excited. “Oh, oh, is it true that you went to the Bl--”

“Don’t,” Jolyon warned, voice cold. “Finish that sentence and the next shot’s going into you, Guardian, I’m not talking about that. That’s the only thing not on my record for a reason.”

“What?” Uldren asked, confused.

“Nothing, Uldren.”

If there wasn’t the unholy roaring and pops of gunfire, it would have been a very uneasy silence. 

“Sorry,” the Hunter muttered finally, barely audible.

Jolyon grunted wordlessly in acceptance of the apology and fired at the Ogre again. The kick from this angle was definitely going to bruise his shoulder, even through the protective padding. Better than being dead, though. He’d had worse than a bruise.

Eventually, between the four Guardians and Jolyon’s shots, the Ogre let out a final roar and warped into nothingness.

Jolyon breathed a sigh of relief as the rest of the Taken vanished. The Scorn were long since dead with the appearance of the Ogre. He shuffled out from the cave and stumbled forward a step, grabbing at his shoulder with a curse.

Warm hands caught him. “You are so lucky,” Uldren said dryly, steadying him.

Jolyon gave him a wry grin and slung the Supremacy over his back again. “I don’t believe in luck.”

“Okay, let’s get you the hell out of here before another one shows up,” the Warlock said, sounding worn. “Did you get hurt?”

“Nah, I’m fine, just the kick,” Jolyon said, dropping his hand. “Bad angle, and all that, it’s nothing. Don’t give me that look, it’s nothing, Uldren.”

Uldren huffed. 

Jolyon eyed the Warlock at her shift when he said Uldren’s name. The Hunter didn’t really seem to care, though. The Titan, either. “We should definitely report this to Petra. I don’t know why that Ogre showed up, but I don’t like it,” Jolyon said. 

“Already sent telemetry,” the Warlock said. 

Jolyon keyed his comm. “Then why isn’t this working?” He frowned and tugged it out of his ear to examine it. 

Pulled Pork appeared and hovered closer. Jolyon eyed him for a second before holding his hand flat with the comm on his palm. After he scanned it, Pulled Pork spun his shell. “The channels are switched! Nothing else is wrong.”

Jolyon shook his head and adjusted it before slipping it back into place. 

“--on, come in, please--”

“Petra!”

“Oh, thank the stars! I just got the feed from the fireteam I sent to help you but I didn’t have the chance to look yet.”

“Big Ogre showed up, he was really mean, but now he’s dead.”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. We’re going to head back now. I think that’s enough adventure for now.”

“For you?” She sounded almost amused, but her worried relief overtook it. 

“For me, yes,” he said wryly. “One near death experience is good enough for a day.”

“Alright. Be careful on your way back. There have been Hive reported between here and where you are.”

“I will. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Be safe,” she said gently.

Jolyon looked expectantly at the Guardians. “So, my immortal entourage, shall we go? Unless you’ve got something else to do, of course.”

“Nah,” said the Titan. “We’ll say hi to Petra, too. And make sure another giant Ogre doesn’t try to eat you.”

Jolyon grimaced. “Eugh. Or a small one, for that matter. Thank you, by the way. It is a bit… nerve-wracking to look at something like that and know that one wrong move will turn you into pudding.”

“Ew,” the Hunter said. “Yeah, that would be bad. Better us than you, because we don’t stay pudding.”

“Can you please,” the Warlock said, exasperated. “You’re all as bad as Drifter.”

“Who?” Jolyon asked.

“Another Lightbearer,” the Warlock said. “He’s probably insane and he definitely has eaten Hive.”

“Oh, that’s disgusting.” Jolyon shuddered at the thought.

“Yeah.” The Warlock shook her head and gestured. “Let’s get out of here.”

Jolyon felt pretty safe with four Guardians around him as they headed back toward Petra. He kept glancing toward Uldren, trying to decipher his thoughts. Worry was clear on his face, for sure. But he was also lost in some other thoughts, too, distracted. 

Jolyon tightened his fingers on the Supremacy’s strap. There was something like nausea in his chest. The expression on Uldren’s face was uncomfortably familiar, a mild echo of the painful years before he’d gone insane. 

He’d just gotten Uldren back and he was so terrified to lose him again.

“Jol?”

He snapped his head back up.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m still fine. Why?”

Uldren’s eyes flit toward the other Guardians. “You’re just quiet. Thought I’d check in, make sure you weren’t overthinking things again?”

Jolyon couldn’t come up with a quip, so he shrugged. “I guess the ogre shook me a little more than I expected,” he lied. He hated that, lying, especially to Uldren, but voicing his fear would make it real. “Thanks, though.”

Uldren’s smile was heart wrenching in the best and worst ways.

They walked in quiet, only stopping a few times to shoot at wandering Scorn or Hive or Taken. There weren’t too many, at least. Jolyon was relieved to see Petra waiting, and lifted a hand to wave to her.

She jogged over, relief on every feature. “Thank goodness you’re okay!” she exclaimed as she slowed.

Jolyon offered half a smile. “Hello, Petra.”

She looked to the Guardians gratefully. “I can’t thank you enough,” she said. 

“Happy to help, ma’am,” the Warlock said humbly. 

Petra looked Jolyon over, more scrutinizing now. “You’re sure you’re not hurt, Jolyon?”

He rolled his eyes. “How many times do I have to say that I’m fine? I’ve been in worse situations!”

She scoffed and crossed her arms. “The two of you are more trouble now than you were before!” she scolded.

Jolyon grinned. “I never started it, though. Every bad idea was his.”

“You never said no.”

“I seem to have a problem saying no to him,” he laughed. He slung his arm around Uldren’s shoulders. “Just look at this charming smile!”

Uldren shook his head, but he was definitely grinning. 

Petra sighed. “Jolyon, take the rest of the day off before you get yourself killed,” she said flatly. “And I don’t mean, sneak out later or take pot shots from here, I mean put your weapon away and find something else to do.”

Jolyon resisted the childish urge to stick his tongue out. Petra, though a friend, was still his commanding officer. He saluted politely. “Aye, my lady,” he said. He nodded to the fireteam and looked hopefully at Uldren.

Uldren straightened a bit, ready to follow. 

Petra looked… suspicious. Jolyon hoped Uldren’s winning smile covered for them for now, until they’d gotten the chance to talk more. 

He headed for the barracks with Uldren at his heel. 


	5. Chapter 5

“So,” Uldren said, “Petra absolutely knows.”

“Maybe,” Jolyon said as he stowed his Supremacy in the arsenal. 

“Is it bad if she does?”

Jolyon shook his head as he hung up his belt of ammunition. “No,” he said. “I don’t want it to be some sort of secret or anything.” He wrinkled his nose. “I’m not really one to make a big deal of it, but I’d also prefer if we got the chance to really talk about it now that we’re not stuck in a cave hiding from Taken.”

“Oh, yes, alright.” Uldren nodded. He looked serious, but optimistic. “What’s that look for?”

Jolyon blinked. He’d been staring at him. He chuckled. “Nothing. Just… you.”

“Me?” 

“Mm.” He grinned wider. “What, I’m not allowed to look at you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Maybe I like to look at you.”

Uldren flushing violet was a reward all its own. It was a very long time since Jolyon had been able to fluster him. 

Jolyon finished storing most of his gear. No one went unarmed, especially not now. He adjusted his cloak, letting his eyes roam over Uldren until his flush deepened and his fiery eyes darted aside. 

“Something the matter?” Jolyon asked, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. 

“No,” Uldren said. He returned the look now. 

Jolyon felt his own soften. Uldren’s gaze just… wasn’t as sharp as it used to be. Still intelligent, still intense, but something was… gentler, maybe? Not naive, not innocent, something like that, though.

Maybe without Mara’s influence, being so young, Uldren was just… happier. Even with the knowledge of what he’d done, even with the hell everyone was living in right now…

Jolyon shrugged off the wall. Uldren was already reaching out for Jolyon to wrap his arms around him. 

“Mm, hello,” Uldren murmured. “How’s your shoulder?”

Jolyon shifted his arm. “Hurts,” he answered. “I’ll live.”

Uldren hummed in sympathy. “How’s the rest of you?”

“That’s a really dumb way of asking how I’m feeling.”

Uldren snorted and trailed his hand over Jolyon’s hip, just on the chaste side of teasing. “How are you feeling?”

Jolyon hummed, resting his chin on Uldren’s shoulder. He was a bit taller than him, but he knew how to make it work anyway. “Lots to think about,” he said. “I think I feel good, though. On the whole, all things considered, thing.” He paused. “Better than I’ve been in a while, I think.”

Uldren leaned into the embrace. “That’s good,” he said, sounding pleased. “You said you wanted to talk, about this.”

“Mhm. Communication, it’s important. Huh… funny, it’s not really like starting brand new, but we’re not at the same point we once were at. Bit strange.”

“Yeah, but… not in a bad way, I think.”

“Definitely not,” Jolyon agreed. He was quiet a moment before he sighed. “I just… you’re a Guardian now. You’re sure you’re okay with being with me? If something happens…”

“I won’t let something happen,” Uldren said fiercely, tightening his grip on him. “I know you’re incredibly skilled and the best marksman this side of the sun, so I’m definitely not downplaying any of that when I say this. I’m happy to protect you. That’s what we do. That’s something that I can do. And I know you’ll have my back.”

“That I will,” Jolyon said. “Always have.”

“You’re not… like…” Uldren hummed in dissatisfied thought. “I dunno, I don’t really care about the royalty jokes, but you’re not actually still thinking of me that way, are you?”

Jolyon shrugged. “Old habits, I suppose, but I didn’t just go with whatever harebrained suicidal schemes you came up with because you were the Prince. I still questioned every last one of them because I know you’re horribly impulsive and you would have died if I didn’t pick apart your plans and help you.”

“Oh. Hm, I guess I am impulsive.”

“Now you’re impulsive and immortal. A dangerous combination,” Jolyon said dryly. “Ah, do you need me to tell you your plans are dumb and deadly now?”

“Just because I can die doesn’t mean I like it,” Uldren said with a scoff. “It hurts!”

Jolyon winced.

Uldren turned his head, pressing a light kiss to his jaw. “Nevermind, we don’t need to talk about that.”

“Not a fun topic, no,” Jolyon said. He let Uldren hold more of his weight, let his eyes close, just feeling the embrace, the warm Light, the familiar rise and fall of Uldren’s chest. “I do want you to know,” he said, soft, “that I don’t feel this way just because of what we had. I like the things that are different, now, too. You’re not the same Uldren, but that’s alright. Didn’t know I’d be as okay with that as I am, really.”

“Why’s that?”

“Change is part of our lives, as Awoken, but I’ve never been too big of a fan. Changes, secrets. The two governing factors of the Awoken, and I’ve always despised both.”

“That’s why all your records are public.”

“Yes.”

“Except…”

Jolyon tensed. “I can’t talk about that.”

“Can’t, or…”

“Won’t? Both. I told you, that was the single worst experience of my life. I want to forget it. If we never went, you would never have gone insane, never have died. But we couldn’t have known. No one could have known.”

“That Hunter knew what it was?”

“It’s become… common knowledge that you went, and…” Jolyon took a shuddering breath. “I’m sure if you ask the right people, they’ll tell you, but please.” He stepped back and grasped his hands in both of his. “Please, don’t. I know you’re terribly curious, but that place was… indescribably horrible. I don’t want you to be consumed by that same distraction, that… obsession, not again. I can’t do it again, Uldren.”

Uldren leaned forward to kiss him gently, quick and chaste. “Okay,” he said. “I promise. It… traumatized you?”

“In every sense of the word.” Jolyon licked his lips, anxious. He whispered the next words. “I still dream about it. Every night. I haven’t slept right in years without taking something to knock me out, and even then…”

Uldren squeezed his hands gently. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You don’t deserve that. If I could take that memory from you, I would in a heartbeat. I won’t look into this place. If there’s one thing about all of this… I can learn not to repeat my past mistakes. I don’t want to hurt anyone again. I was given this second chance and I refuse to ruin it.”

Jolyon let his hands slide over Uldren’s shoulders and buried his face into the crook of his neck. “That’s my fear,” he admitted. “I never wanted to think about how I lost you, and now that you’re back, I can’t deal with the thought of it happening again. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I also can’t be damned to care if it is. I don’t care if you’re a Guardian, or the Prince, or anything else, I don’t want to see what happened to you, what you went through, happen again. That, not even for myself. You died miserable and alone and I hate that.”

Uldren squeezed him. “I didn’t wake up that way,” he said. “So I think that counts for something. Between you, Ikora, Petra, and my Ghost, I think I’ve got a good supportive system to help make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”

“And you’ll get more,” Jolyon promised. “It’ll be rough. I’m sure you know that already. But there are plenty of people who will love you. And not for who you were, either, just for who you are now and who you’re going to be. A good man, if I were to guess.”

“I want to be,” Uldren said softly. “I want people to look at me and see a good man with a good heart.”

“A hero,” Jolyon murmured.

“I dunno about that,” Uldren said with a chuckle.

“You’ve gotten humble,” Jolyon joked.

“Did I want to be a hero?” Uldren asked.

“Not in an arrogant sort of way,” Jolyon said, the teasing tone fading. “It’s… hm, how to explain it… you always loved the Queen. We all did. Do. Whatever. But you resented her, in a way.” He rubbed his thumb along the side of Uldren’s hand. “You wanted her to treat you as a brother. Like a normal sibling. Like someone she cared about. You were so desperate for her attention, her affection, her approval. I didn’t know how to tell you that it made me so… angry and sad. My sisters were always so affectionate, and I knew you were… jealous isn’t the right word, but you wanted that for yourself. So… it just… manifested in your sort of self sacrificing thing, that nearly suicidal boldness, wanting to do something to impress her.”

Uldren was quiet a few moments. He shook his head. “It’s so strange to think about. What a weird relationship she and I must’ve had.”

“And now you don’t even know her.”

“Mm. So does that make me much different, now, too? If so much of who I used to be revolved around her…”

“Yes, quite a bit,” Jolyon said. “But I… I don’t know. You’re… happier, I think. This is a version of you who isn’t desperate for the tiniest shred of love from a sister who… well, she did love you, just not in a way that really expressed it to you. You’re so much more… genuine about things. It’s different, but I think it’s good.”

“It’s so weird to think about!” Uldren laughed in disbelief.

“It is,” Jolyon agreed wryly. “But… it’s alright. I’m happy that you’re happy. I’m happy to get to know this newer you, this happier you. Hell, I think it’s rubbing off on me, you’re giving me hope and shit.”

Uldren laughed and drew him back in to kiss him. “I want to learn everything about you, Jolyon,” he said. “You’re a good man, a kind man, and I could just admire you for the rest of my life, which I think is a long time, since I’m immortal.”

Jolyon hummed, smiling against his lips. “I’m happy with that,” he murmured. He slid his hand up to Uldren’s hair, ran his fingers through it.

Uldren pulled him closer, hands at his waist, so warm with his Light. He kissed him with so much eager enthusiasm, some dance between impatience and caution. 

Jolyon didn’t care about that dance. He slotted himself against Uldren’s body, pressing him against the wall, angled his head to kiss him deeper. He’d always been so receptive to Jolyon taking control, and evidently, that hadn’t gone away. Jolyon scraped his teeth lightly at his lip before trailing his mouth down across his jaw. Uldren’s breath was quick and warm against his skin, and his fingers were itching toward the hem of Jolyon’s shirt.

“Eager, darling?” Jolyon whispered into the line of his jaw.

“Do you have any idea how attractive you are?” Uldren replied breathlessly. “You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes, I know,” Jolyon teased. He kissed at his throat. “You're not bad.”

Uldren snorted. “Thank you,” he said, the sarcasm wavering with the way he twitched his hips into Jolyon.

Jolyon shifted his weight to nudge his thigh between Uldren's. He was so warm, and it was driving Jolyon crazy. He kissed him again, hungrier now.

Both startled as a couple of Corsairs came in. Their conversation halted at the sight of Jolyon and Uldren jumping apart like guilty teenagers.

“Afternoon,” Jolyon greeted, his voice a little pitched. “Um, uh, how are you?”

The two women looked between them. One started to giggle uncontrollably. “Didn't mean to interrupt,” she said. 

“It's, we, we uh,” Jolyon said. Uldren was flushed violet. 

“Jolyon, take it out of the armory,” the other Corsair said in exasperation. “You can't do this again, honestly!”

The first Corsair was still giggling. 

“I, uh. Sorry,” Jolyon said. He grabbed for Uldren's hand. “We were just leaving.”

“You were not.” She shook her head. “At least that hasn't changed.”

Uldren looked pretty flustered. 

“We're leaving now, then!” Jolyon said. “Bye, see you, let's go.”

The first Corsair was almost cackling as Jolyon dragged Uldren from the armory. 

“Oops,” Jolyon muttered, and Uldren burst out with a laugh. 

“Was that common?” Uldren asked. 

“Uh, yep. Yep, sure was.” Jolyon snickered. “Oh, the noble Prince, getting caught every other week in some closet with me. Apparently that’s a trend that’ll continue.”

“Hmm. Well, I can’t blame myself,” Uldren said, grinning. Jolyon could feel the way those fiery eyes dragged over him. “You’re basically irresistible.”

Jolyon flashed him a smile. Not as winning as Uldren’s, he knew, but it still won him over. “You’re still impulsive and I can’t say no,” he teased.

Uldren’s smoldering gaze softened. “Jol… about that.”

“Your impulsivity?”

“No, about… sex.”

“Mhm?”

“I mean… well, I’m interested, obviously. I’m just…” He slowed, and Jolyon stopped walking. “I don’t really know how to… do relationship things? I guess that’s just, everything, not just sex, and I like you a lot, I really like you, I just… don’t want to mess anything up.”

Jolyon brought their entwined hands up to brush a light kiss over his knuckles. “That’s okay,” he said. “I understand. We’ll take it at whatever pace you’re okay with. I just want us both to be happy. Don’t worry about any sort of… relationship expectations, or whatever other people think, it’s fine, just be yourself. We weren’t really traditional before, and we won’t be now, and it’s always been fine with me.”

Uldren looked relieved, but still a little hesitant.

Jolyon raised an eyebrow at him. “Come on, what is it?”

“It’s such an awkward conversation, damn it,” Uldren grumbled.

Jolyon laughed. “Is it about sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Just say it, I’ll only judge you a little.”

Uldren rolled his eyes and sighed. “I know we… you… have slept together, but I… haven’t. I don’t know… specifics?”

“Mm. Yeah.” Jolyon shrugged. “I figured as much. I said earlier, your pace. I’m not asking you to sleep with me in the next five minutes.”

“I wouldn’t say no if you did,” Uldren said, and then winced. 

Jolyon burst out laughing. “Impulsive,” he teased. He stepped close to kiss him, quick but lingering. He kept his next words to a whisper. “I can certainly show you whatever you want to know. Better than anyone else. I know exactly where you like to be touched.”

He could hear Uldren’s breath catch just a little. His eyes were bright. 

Jolyon grinned slowly. “Do you want to see my room, then?”

“There’s only one thing I want to see more.”

“That was a terrible line, and you’re bad at flirting, let’s go so I can shut you up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter WILL be sfw! but i'll have a separate fic that's all smut that goes between this chapter and the next one for those of you who want to read it! for anyone who doesn't, don't worry, i'm not doing any important plot in it, so you wont miss anything!  
> also, thank you all so, so much for all the wonderful comments! i'm glad you're all enjoying this fic!!


	6. Chapter 6

The air was heavy with thick perfume. It smelled like roses, but it might also have been cinnamon, or copper, or decay. 

The rain dripped down through the canopy above him. His boots stuck in the mud. The rain was warm, pooling like sweat on his skin. He trudged forward. 

“Uldren!” he called. “Where are you?”

“Where are you!” the insects chimed back. 

“We need to leave! Your Highness! Come back!”

“Come back!” exclaimed the bugs. 

“Please!”

“Please!”

Jolyon looked down. His boot prints were filling with water. He'd walked a circle in the same steps over and over and over.

“Uldren, please!” he begged the plants. “Please come back! Don't leave me alone, please!”

“Please! Please!” chorused the bugs. They were moths with bloody mouths. 

Jolyon bolted. He needed to find him, get out of this wretched place before it consumed them both. 

He tripped and fell with a yelp. 

“Oh. There you are.”

Jolyon looked up with a gasp. “Uldren!”

Uldren was holding flowers. His armor was dirty. A scuffed hand canon was set in the holster as his hip. “Hm?”

“We've got to get out of here,” Jolyon said, frantic. 

“Why?”

“Why?” Jolyon stared, baffled. “It's horrible here. I want to go home, love.”

“It's nice,” Uldren said absently. “Listen. The rain is talking. Do you hear it? Sharing secrets? Good to plant.”

Uldren turned around. Vines crawled along his armor. 

Jolyon tried to get up. 

Vines had him in a vice. He jerked back, but nothing happened. “Uldren, help,” he pleaded. 

“I don't remember your name.”

Jolyon let out a terrified sob. “Please, Uldren, my love, I'm so scared, help me--” 

The vines crawled around his throat. 

Jolyon gasped and jerked upright. He clawed at his throat, wrenching at the vines. The bugs giggled in his ears. 

The vines were warm when they touched him. He wrenched away from them, struggling to breathe.

“No, no,” he gasped out. “I can't do this, I can't, please--”

He wanted Uldren with him. Where did he go?

He was hyperventilating. “Please come back, Uldren, please, don't leave me here, I can't move, oh, stars, please, please!” 

Jolyon tried to tear the vines from his arms. They were stuck, tattooed into him. He felt thorns rake into his skin. 

He squeezed his burning, blurry eyes shut and felt another panicked sob break through his throat. 

“Jol?”

Jolyon gasped. “Uldren?”

“Jol, what the hell is going on?”

Jolyon shrank back, staring at impassive giant flowers. “Where are you? Don't leave me again, please, I'm so scared, I hate it, I want to leave--”

“You're home, I don't understand, please, stop clawing your arms--oh, Light, you're bleeding!”

“No, it's not me, it's the flowers.”

“There's no--” Uldren gasped. “You're dreaming. Jolyon, you've got to wake up.”

“I can't move. They won't let me. Don't leave me.”

“I'm right here, love,” Uldren murmured. 

Fingers touched his face. He couldn’t see him, though, where was he? It was just the flowers, the vines, the insects crawling through his hair.

Jolyon shuddered. “Get them off , please, I want to go home, I don’t want to be here.”

“I've got you. It's okay. I'm here. Please wake up.”

Warm lips brushed his. 

Jolyon crumpled to the mercy of the vines. 


	7. Chapter 7

“--won't wake up now, I-- yes, I'm scared, I don't…”

Jolyon felt the vines again. 

Like he was paralyzed. But he knew he was awake now. He knew it was just his body and he'd be okay in a few minutes. 

It was Uldren talking, his voice shaking. 

“He was saying things about… flowers, that he was trapped somewhere, that he didn't want to be alone… but he could hear me, he answered me, I--yes. Yes. No, I… no, he hasn't moved.”

Jolyon wanted so badly to reach for him, tell him it was just another nightmare, he was fine. Uldren was so worried he'd called someone to ask for help.

Jolyon felt the bed shift. Warm fingers cupped his face before pressing to the side of his throat. Uldren sat back, his fingers resting against Jolyon's shoulder. “Yes,” he said softly. “But he's still unconscious. It… It… it wasn't because of me, was it? Did I do this?”

Jolyon started wrestling with the sleep paralysis.  _ You aren't real, you stupid plants, let me tell him I'm okay. _

“I don't know. It just… I know. I don't know what to do, Ikora, I'm scared. He won't wake up…”

Uldren had called Ikora Rey about it. The Warlock Vanguard. Jolyon had never met her, but respected her. She was also a terrifying legend.

Jolyon felt the vines slowly starting to recede. He twitched his finger. 

Uldren gasped and grabbed his hand. “Jol? Jolyon? He moved, Ikora! Just his finger, but… can you hear me?”

He told the vines to piss off again and pressed two fingers into Uldren's hand. 

“Oh, thank the Light,” Uldren whispered. “Yes, I think so… at least starting to.”

Jolyon found he could hold his breath. He did, and waited. Waited. Until it started to hurt. 

The vines crumbled away into dust and ash like Hive chitin.

Jolyon jerked upright with a gasp. 

“Jolyon!” 

Uldren was wrapping himself around him now. 

Jolyon was shaking. He gently pushed him away. “Hold on,” he croaked. “I… space, please, need space.”

Uldren sat back, looking worried. He angled his head. “He woke up, I think, I hope… it's not like before.”

Jolyon sat his head against his knees. “I'm fine,” he said. “Just dreams.”

“Just dreams?” Uldren repeated. “You were scratching your arms so badly you were bleeding! You sounded so afraid!”

“Yeah, I'm used to it.” He wasn't, but he'd been having them for a decade. 

Uldren made a small sound, speechless and horrified. 

Jolyon could faintly hear Ikora in the silence. She was muffled too much in Uldren's comm to make anything out. 

“What is that?” Uldren asked her. 

Jolyon felt nauseous still. He didn't want to move yet. 

“But why-- why would it… oh. This is… Oh.”

The nausea was not passing like usual. Jolyon shuddered and stumbled to the floor. He heard Uldren beside him, felt his wary touch, but Jolyon lurched for the bathroom.

He could still smell the flowers in the back of his throat. 

Uldren held back his hair. Sweet of him. 

Jolyon panted over the toilet for a few seconds when his stomach was empty. He cursed. “I haven't… fucking haven't thrown up in three years 'cause of that fucking dream,” he grumbled. “Damn it.”

“Ikora, can I call you back? Okay. Thank you.” Uldren ran his fingers through Jolyon’s hair. “Do you need anything? Water, or…”

“A therapist,” Jolyon muttered. He sighed. “I’ve got… there’s a cup, on the sink… I don’t think I can get up yet.”

Uldren tugged lightly at his hair. He was tying it back for him. Then he was standing. Jolyon didn’t move, listening to the water run, and then Uldren knelt beside him again. 

Jolyon gratefully took the cup. He swished the water in his mouth and spat it into the toilet. He gagged again and flushed it. “I don’t even have a hangover excuse.”

Uldren didn’t react to the attempt at a joke. He ran his hand over Jolyon’s shoulders, brow drawn together with concern. 

Jolyon sighed again and leaned against him. “Sorry,” he murmured. “Wish you didn’t--” He grimaced and started again. “Sucks that you’re seeing me like this.”

“Do you want to… talk about it?” Uldren asked, hesitant. Jolyon could tell that he was trying not to ask what happened, trying to be mindful about it.

“What’d Ikora tell you?” Jolyon said instead.

Uldren’s fingers stilled. “She… she said that she thinks your nightmares are because of… that place.”

“She told you what it was.”

Uldren nodded.

“Ten years.” Jolyon took a shuddering breath. “Every night. Every time I go to sleep, I dream about it. It doesn’t let me forget it. It’s not always… like this. This bad. It’s only this bad… once or twice a week, I guess.”

“That’s still a lot,” Uldren whispered, horrified.

“Yeah.” Jolyon attempted a shrug. “I don’t know if you ever had dreams like that. We never talked about it.”

“If it’s that bad… now I know why you didn’t want me to learn about it.” Uldren kissed his temple. “I’m not going to leave you, Jolyon, I promise. Whatever happened before, whatever I did, I’m not going to do that.”

Jolyon curled against him. “You’re so different, Uldren,” he murmured, aching. “I can’t ever will the universe to let things be the way they were before we went there. I… I wouldn’t want to, either… you’re just so much… happier.”

Uldren stroked his hair gently.

Jolyon slowly sipped the water until he felt he could move. He tapped Uldren’s chest. “Let me brush my teeth,” he said. 

Uldren still helped him to his feet. 

Jolyon frowned at his reflection. “Stupid,” he grumbled, grabbing his toothbrush. “Waking up like that, it’s stupid, I fell asleep feeling fantastic, it’s not fair.”

Uldren almost smiled at that. “I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, though.”

Jolyon grunted around the minty foam. He waved Uldren off. “Wai’ fo’ ‘e ou’ ‘ere,” he tried. 

It must’ve been enough to understand. Uldren kissed his head again and slipped out of the bathroom. 

Jolyon scrubbed his mouth till red ran into the foam. He wanted the taste of vomit and flowers out of his throat. He nearly choked on the mouthwash. He leaned over the sink and took a moment to breathe. 

He hadn’t seen Uldren in those nightmares in a while, not like that. 

He glared at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted. His shoulder was mottled dark blue with the bruise from his rifle, and there were scratches down his arm. He rinsed them gently. More for the collection. He’d already raked scars into his skin trying to claw the vines off.

As he examined himself more critically, he did soften at some other things. There was a little mark on his throat, where Uldren had happily latched his mouth. Tiny bruises in the shapes of Uldren’s fingertips with how hard he’d grabbed Jolyon’s thighs. They were so faint compared to marks Uldren had left in the past, but Jolyon liked little love marks like that. Residual aches from hours of love making only had him tightening his stomach and biting his lip. 

With the flowers fading, Jolyon felt a lot better. He ran a brush through his hair and left it down. He’d have to shower later, for sure, but later.

“You look better,” Uldren said with a little smile as Jolyon came out.

Jolyon flopped down on the bed beside him. “I feel better,” he said. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault at all, any of that.”

“Don’t apologize,” Uldren said, fingers weaving through his hair. “I’m just glad you’re okay now.”

Jolyon hummed. “I kind of… forgot about it, for a little while,” he admitted softly. “How bad it can be. You made me forget… but… it’s still bad. I don’t think it’ll ever end. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep peacefully again. I’m going to wake up every morning with vines holding me down.”

“That’s why you wanted me not to touch you,” Uldren murmured.

“A little claustrophobia, yeah.” Jolyon frowned. “That's gonna be how I am… probably for the rest of my life. Are you… are you sure you're okay, knowing that? I don't think we could ever sleep together without that happening every time…”

Uldren pulled his hair back from his face and ran his fingers through it. “You've been dealing with this alone for years… I wasn't there for you before. It's kind of my fault, too. I can't change it, but I can be here for you. I can make sure you know that I'll be here, that you're not lost alone in the Garden.”

Jolyon turned his head and frowned. “It's not your fault.”

“It was. Mine or his. It still hurt you. I want to be here for you. I care about you.”

Jolyon sighed and pressed his face into the bed. “Why can't life ever be easy?”

Uldren chuckled dryly. “I know. It sucks.” He was more serious when he continued. “But I’m here for you, and I don’t plan on leaving you. You don’t deserve to deal with this alone. I don’t remember it… but I’d take the memory of it from you in a heartbeat--”

“No,” Jolyon said. He sat up and ran his hand through his hair, pulling it to drape over his shoulder. He looked intently at him. “I’m having nightmares from it. You went insane from it. It was a mistake to go there and you paid for it with your life.” He reached forward and set his hand against Uldren’s chest. “It consumed you until you were nothing but a broken shell of a man. You were a heartless murderer. I saw you talking to nothing in the Prison, muttering senselessly, rubbing your eyes and staring at shadows.” 

His fingers tightened. “That place turned our Prince, my best friend, the man that I loved with every fiber of my being, into a fucking monster.” 

Jolyon shuddered and slumped forward, his hand going limp. “I’ll take the nightmares if it means that you get to live the life that that place stole from you. If it means that the universe can make up for what it's done.” 

Uldren’s hands came up to cup his face. “You don’t deserve this,” he whispered. “It’s not fair.”

“Neither of us deserved it. How could we have known?”

“Everything that I put you through…”

“You’re different now. You don’t remember it at all. You have a new life. A future.”

“With you,” Uldren said firmly. “We both do, together. I won’t let anything tear this from me. The man I was did a lot of harm and I’m not going to be that man. I’m going to stay with you, I’m going to protect the Light, and I’m not going to let anyone manipulate me like the Queen and the Ahamkara had. I’m going to be stronger than I was before, than I ever was, and I’m going to use that to be a good man.”

Jolyon pressed his face into Uldren’s palm. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about him. You before you… I love you, and I’ve loved you for centuries, but… am I supposed to be angry? Am I supposed to have pity? I don’t know.”

“Whatever you feel, it’s okay,” Uldren murmured. “I still care about you. I still want you by my side. I still want this, I want us. Not the Prince and the Crow. I want you and me. I want to be someone that you can respect, that you would be proud of. It’s an awful, difficult thing, but I want to make this work.”

Jolyon crawled forward and slid his arms around Uldren’s shoulders. He pressed his face into his neck. “I hate being confused,” he mumbled. “All I know for sure is that I want this, too. I want you. I want us. Things can’t go back to how they were, and I don’t want them to, I want you to be happy, to be who you could have been if you weren’t so caught up with Queen Mara.” He kissed his collarbone gently. “I think I’m going to be different, too… I haven’t felt the Queen in years.”

“What?”

“Oh.” Jolyon pulled back a bit with a frown. “Petra still does… but most of the rest of us… ever since the Taken War, she’s been silent. But for me, it was even a few years before that, since the Garden, I stopped hearing her.”

“Hearing her?” Uldren looked confused. “Like in your head? Isn’t that what was happening to me?”

“No, not like that. That was a hallucination. Queen Mara… it… it sounds so weird saying it out loud, now that I think about it… she had a connection to all of us. A way to… touch our minds, I guess. But… that’s… not really something that someone should do, is it?”

“No.” Uldren looked concerned. “The more that I hear about her… I don’t know. She’s intelligent, clearly, and… maybe she’s not evil, but… she’s done a lot of bad things.”

Jolyon shook his head. “We’re not supposed to--”

“But I can say it,” Uldren said, frowning. “I’m a Guardian. I’m not her brother, I’m not the Prince. She manipulated me to the point that I killed people. That’s wrong. She was alive and let me lose myself and become a monster. If she could do that to her brother?”

Jolyon sighed. “I hate thinking about it.”

Uldren cupped his face. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“I… I don’t think I want to talk about it,” he muttered, leaning into his touch. “I just got you back, Uldren, I want to think about us, not anything else. Some other time, we’ll have to talk about it, I know, but… for now…”

“Of course,” Uldren murmured. He stroked his thumb over Jolyon’s lip. “I understand, love.”

Jolyon sighed. “I just want to be happy, damn it, last night was the best night I’ve had in years. Stupid brain. Stupid Hive.”

Uldren almost chuckled. He leaned in to kiss him gentle, chaste. “You deserve to be happy.”

“I do,” he grumbled. When he leaned in to kiss him a little deeper, he stopped with a hiss. “Ah, ow.”

“Are you okay?”

Jolyon pressed a hand into the twinge in his back. “Yeah, just a little stiff, or something. It’s… been a bit since I’ve had sex for that long. My impatience has killed my hips before, though.”

Uldren set his hand at Jolyon’s waist, thumb brushing his ribs. “I didn’t hurt you?”

“No, nothing like that. Trust me, of all the ways to get aches and pains, I’d gladly repeat last night over and over again.”

Uldren was starting to grin.

Jolyon snorted and flopped down onto his back. “Insatiable,” he teased.

“Well, when I’m looking at you,” Uldren responded. 

“Mm. Fair. Y’know, I’ve earned a day off. I don’t think we should spend the whole day in bed, but a while longer is more than fine. We’ll get some lunch, maybe go to the training range… come back to bed.”

“I’d love nothing more,” Uldren said.

Jolyon grinned and reached for his comm. “I’ll call Petra and call off. You keep hushed, though, got it?”

“Of course,” Uldren purred. 

Jolyon held his comm to his ear and waited for the familiar greeting.

“Um, hey, Petra.”

“Jolyon, hello,” Petra’s voice replied. “This is early. Everything alright?”

“Uh, yeah, sorta.” Jolyon grimaced at the ceiling at another twinge in his hip. “I just don’t think I can go out today. Guess I did kinda hurt something yesterday and it’s unbearable today. Shoulder’s bruised up worse than I thought.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” she said, not as sarcastic as she might’ve intended. “I’ll see if I can find a Guardian to cover for you.”

“Sorry.” Jolyon pressed his hand into his sore hip with a quiet hiss. “You know I wouldn’t call off if it wasn’t this bad.”

“I know. Do you want me to send a medic, maybe?”

“I’ll be okay. Already taken care of it.” He looked at Uldren’s hand resting on his thigh and bit his lip at the way his fingers were trailing the patterns of his skin, slow and lazy.

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“Yep. Thanks, Petra.”

“Feel better.”

The second the connection cut, Uldren was sliding his hand between his thighs and breathing hot into his ear. “You’re an awfully good liar.”

“Did I lie?” Jolyon replied, arching his back and letting his knees part. He dropped his comm on the bedside table. “My hips are killing me.”

“And yet…”

“And yet, here we are,” he breathed. “You do awful things to me, Uldren, don’t you stop touching me.”

“I’ll stay with you until the sun goes out,” Uldren promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) hope you all enjoyed!  
> I want to thank everyone for reading this and leaving comments! your enthusiasm and encouragement has really helped get me excited to post every chapter of this fic! happy pride month, everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> come stop by my tumblr @lesbianeliksni  
> edit: thank you all so, so much for the lovely comments and support so far!! i'm so happy that you're all enjoying this! <3


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